Dear Diary | Daryl Dixon

𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝/𝚙𝚝 𝚝𝚠𝚘 - 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎𝚜

𝙴𝙽𝚃𝚁𝚈 𝙴𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃/𝙿𝚃 𝚃𝚆𝙾 - 𝚃𝙷𝚁𝙴𝙴 𝙲𝙷𝙾𝙸𝙲𝙴𝚂

I was stood in the RV, waiting for everything in my body to shut down and collapse onto the ground, to lay in a pool of my own blood. I heard the gunshot but for some reason, I was still alive. I was still standing. I opened my eyes and saw a panicked Daryl standing in front of me, holding the gun I was holding to my head.

"What the hell are ya' doin'?!" Daryl exclaimed as he put the gun away. Anita couldn't stop the tears running down her face. Again, Daryl saved her life. How long would this go on?

"Why did you follow me, Daryl?! Why can't you let me die?!" Anita cried as she tried to hold back her heavy sobs.

Daryl sighed as he tried to calm himself down. He couldn't explode on Anita when she was feeling extremely sensitive. He needed to choose his words carefully. "Ya' worked so hard to get to a good place. Why are ya' doin' this?" He asked, his voice gone much quieter now.

"Because it's not worth it, Daryl. It's not worth being alive. Seeing Sophia reminded me of that. I fooled myself even if for a day that everything would be okay. We're all going to turn into those things. We can't avoid it. We're all going to die so why not just hurry up the inevitable? There is no hope like you said, Daryl. There's not." Anita sobbed. "There's nothing to live for. Me dying right now isn't going to hurt anyone."

"Yes, it is." Daryl said.

"Who? Who on earth could it possibly hurt?" Anita asked.

"Me! It'll hurt me!" Daryl yelled.

"Why would you be hurt?" Anita cried.

"Because I care about ya', Anita!" Daryl yelled, taking Anita back a little.

I wasn't expecting Daryl to tell me he cares about me. I know I care about him but I didn't think he felt the same way. I figured he just saw me as someone he had to look after.

"I care about ya', Anita and your death would kill me inside." Daryl said, quietening his tone. "We all care about ya'. We....we've already lost Sophia. We ain't losing no-one else. But yer need to understand, people are gonna die, whether we like it or not. It doesn't give ya' the excuse to run off and try to kill yerself every time someone dies! That ain't the answer to nothing. It ain't gonna solve nothing."

Anita stayed silent, not knowing what to say. She had nothing to say. She knew everything Daryl was saying was once again, right. She just didn't want to accept it.

"I know it hurts. I know yer hurtin'." Daryl said, placing his hands on both of her shoulders. "But killing yerself ain't the answer. One thing Shane said out there was actually right. If ya' wanna live, if ya' wanna survive, yer gotta fight for it. Ya' have to fight, Anita. Ya' have to beat this."

Anita looked up into Daryl's blue eyes, her own eyes flooded with tears. She wanted to accept what Daryl was saying. She wanted to fight but she just couldn't.

"I don't have it in me, Daryl. I never had it in me. I'm not strong like you, Daryl. I'm never gonna live long enough." Anita muttered.

"Yes, you will. Ya' will live. Ya' just have to want it bad enough. I told ya' before. Ya' have to find something worth living for. Whatever it is, ya' have to find it or let it come to you. Ya' just have to live long enough for that." Daryl said softly.

"What if.....he never comes to me?" Anita practically whispered.

"He?" Daryl asked, making Anita's heart skip a beat. He? Why did she say he?

"I...I meant 'it'. What if it never comes to me?" Anita asked.

"There's somethin' out there for everyone, even in this world. There's always somethin'." Daryl said as he noticed his thumb slowly stroking the bottom of Anita's neck. He cleared his throat and quickly stepped back, bringing his hands back to his sides. "Don't hurt yerself. One day, you'll be glad you didn't."

Anita watched as Daryl left the RV. She wiped a tear that was running down her face and left the RV. She needed some space to be alone for a while.

----------

After what happened in the RV with Daryl, the group had buried Sophia and the other bodies of loved ones and held a little service for them. Carol didn't attend. I know Carol's still hurting. I understand the pain she must be feeling. At the service, I felt numb. I had almost tried to kill myself just twenty minutes before and now, there I was. I could feel Daryl's eyes on me the entire time.

When the service was over, Anita went back to camp and watched as Shane argued with Hershel about Sophia being in the barn. She sighed as she remembered the conversation she had with Daryl. She knew he was right. He was right the whole time. He brought her out of that dark place. Daryl was the one that made her feel happy, he made her feel like she had accomplished something.

It was all him.

Anita saw Daryl in the distance, sitting on the ground and whittling an arrow. She then looked at the ground in front of her and saw a knife. She picked up the knife and stared at it. Anita had three options.

She looked at Rick and Shane near the house, still arguing. Her first option was to be more like Shane, cold and emotionless, doing anything to survive, even if that meant hurting other people.

Anita then looked at Daryl still whittling his arrow and now talking to Lori. Her second option was to listen to Daryl, take his advice. She could fight for her life, find something worth living for. Be stronger and tougher like him.

She then looked back at the knife in her hands. Her third option again was just to kill herself and end all the pain. Take the easy way out.

After much deciding between the three choices in front of me, I looked at Daryl, seeing him alone and I ended up throwing the knife as far away from myself as I could. I can't give up so easily. Daryl's right. I have to fight.