Never Not [Taekook]

NN 27

Taehyung.

The familiar sensation lingered, a confusing mix of regret and longing swirling within me. How could I have let that happen? My mind was a foggy mess, unable to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions.

It's wrong. Deep down, I know it is. But is it entirely my fault? Did I invite this by allowing myself to be swept away in his embrace? The truth is, I've harbored feelings for him for so long. I've imagined his lips on mine countless times. Was it my fault for falling into his trap, for succumbing to his kiss?

The battle rages on inside me—my mind screaming "mistake," while my heart whispers "desire." Jungkook is a puzzle, a riddle I can't solve.

Why did he kiss me? The question echoes in my mind, tormenting me as I try to make sense of it all. Even now, as he stands up, lost in conversation on the phone, my heart splinters. I knew this was coming. I knew nothing would change, that he would still walk down the aisle with Jessie. But why does it hurt so much?

I understand I'll never be Jessie, but a sliver of hope dares to flicker within me. Maybe, just maybe, that kiss meant something. Maybe it could alter our course. But deep down, I know it's futile—a desperate grasp at a love that can never be.

As the phone appears before me, held by the same man whose lips I had tasted moments ago, my heart races anew. Heat floods my cheeks, embarrassment and longing warring within me.

“Mom wants to talk to you,” Jungkook's voice pierced the heavy air. Reluctantly, I glanced at the caller ID, feeling my heart shatter a million times over. Pushing the thought aside, I accepted the phone.

With Jungkook now in the bathroom, I cleared my throat. “Hello?”

“Tae bear! I miss you, Taetae,” the familiar, high-pitched voice of my mother, the woman who gave birth to the man I've loved for all these years.

“Mimi,” I muttered, my voice betraying me as it cracked. A tear escaped, and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to contain the flood.

“Tae? You okay, honey? What's wrong? Did Jungkook rip your Gucci shirt again?” Her voice softened, filled with concern.

I shook my head vigorously as tears continued to flow. “No, Mimi. I... I just missed you. I barely come to your house, Mimi,” I managed, struggling to steady my voice.

There was a pause on the other end of the line after my confession. “Tae, if you have something inside you that needs to come out, let it out. You can't fool me. I know you're crying, and I also know it's not just because you missed me. Taehyung, let it out. There's no shame in crying. So what if you appear weak? So what if you seem vulnerable and fragile? No one can stop you from crying, honey. It's a right we're born with. I don't know what's happening to you, but I hope you're okay. I'm not saying everything will be alright, because that's up to you. It's up to you whether you let those feelings shatter you into tiny pieces or fight to let them out.”

As if on cue, a new wave of tears streamed down my cheeks. How did she do it? How did she know what I was holding inside? How did she convince me to let go with just a few words?

I may be weak for letting my heart love a man I'm forbidden to, but I know I'm a fighter... But how do I fight? How do I battle my own heart?

“Tha–Thank you, Mimi. So much,” I murmured, hastily wiping away tears and rising to my feet. “I... I need to go, Mimi. I still have to pack,” I added, the weight on my chest threatening to crush me.

Jungkook's mother sighed. “Where to?”

“Jeju, Mimi. The landscapes there suit my lens and talent,” I replied, trying to inject lightness into my voice despite the heaviness inside.

She chuckled softly before continuing. “Is Jungkook joining you? Does he know? Let me talk to him so he can join you. We can reschedule our meeting with the florist.”

My eyes widened, and I shook my head vigorously as if she could see me. “No need, Mimi. I... I can manage alone. It's Jungkook's wedding, after all. We shouldn't delay it,” each word felt like a betrayal, each syllable a dagger to my soul.

“Okay, but call him when you get there, alright? I'll be checking,” she insisted, her voice filled with maternal concern.

“Mimi, I'll be fine. Don't worry,” I reassured, though the knot in my stomach tightened.

“I won't accept no for an answer. Call Jungkook once you arrive, or I'll have to take drastic measures with those Gucci shirts,” she threatened playfully, trying to lighten the mood amidst the seriousness.

With a heavy sigh, I acquiesced, “I promise, I'll call. Bye, Mimi.”

“Take care, hun. And tell Jungkook I love him too,” her words hung in the air, a poignant reminder of the love and support I had.

As the call ended, I collapsed onto Jungkook's bed, overwhelmed by a wave of conflicting emotions. Tears streamed down my cheeks, each one a testament to the pain and uncertainty I felt.

Running my hands through my hair, I gripped it tightly, trying to anchor myself in the midst of turmoil. Loving someone who may never love you back is a bitter pill to swallow.

Placing Jungkook's phone on the bedside table, I left a hastily scrawled note before fleeing the room, tears blurring my vision. Each step echoed with the weight of unspoken words and shattered dreams.

Is this the fate I'm destined to bear?

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Absolutely, expressing emotions through crying is a natural and healthy way to process feelings. It's a sign of strength to confront and acknowledge emotions rather than bottling them up. By allowing yourself to cry and release those emotions, you're taking a step towards healing and moving forward.

So, don't hesitate to let it out and embrace the journey towards emotional growth and resilience.

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