Starboy

Chapter 13: 2 A.M

I detach my lips from Benji's, the honey taste of his lips still on mine. He reaches out for my hands and smiles at me, his head low. I wipe off my lips with my fingers, feeling a bit wet and slobbery from the kiss--my first kiss.

Benji notices my nervousness and smirks. "You alright?"

I chuckle, feeling a tad embarrassed and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I was just ranting to him about why I'm not good enough for him and he cut me off with a giant kiss. "I'm... I have no idea," I admit and he chuckles back. "Did-did we just kiss?" I ask, realizing that maybe this is all a dream. It wouldn't be the first time I dreamt about kissing Benji.

He nods, still holding my hands and rubbing his thumb back and forth between the space of my thumb and index finger. "Yeah," he says bashfully.

I bite my bottom lip and try to understand this unexpected situation. "This is crazy," I whisper, moving in closer to him. He stares at me as I speak and I feel too insecure to look back at him, so I close my eyes.

"It's not so crazy," he whispers back, leaning in for another kiss. I kiss him back, feeling a strange feeling in my body that I've never quite felt before.

We let go of the kiss and I smile. "It's kind of crazy," I tell him, and he playfully rolls his eyes.

"Why is that?"

I shrug. "I don't know," I lie, knowing exactly why it's crazy. We've been best friends since we were ten, and I doubt either of us has ever imagined anything like this to happen between us. I mean, I hope he hoped for it too--but never have I imagined actually kissing Benji.

"Should we head back home?" He asks and I nod my head. It takes me a second to realize what going home means. Going home means going to an empty apartment with no supervision. That never scared me before, but now that we've kissed, I'm worried about going home alone with him. What does he expect will happen?

Back at the apartment, Benji swings open the door and I feel even more nervous than I did during the walk back home. For some reason, Benji wanted to walk instead of calling Andrew to pick us up. He switches on the lights and I feel better with the lights on. Lights never really screamed sexy to me.

He turns around to me and smiles. I smile back as he grabs my hands and starts kissing me all over again. A strange mix of pleasure and nervousness flutter around my stomach. He leads me to the couch and I lay down, feeling his body lay on top of mine.

I grab his face with my hands, running them down his neck and through his hair. He groans and I feel surprised with myself. Where did I learn to do that? I didn't even know that I could do that. He gently pulls at the strings keeping my dress upright and an alarm blasts through my body, telling me that this might go too far.

I let go of the kiss and he seems to be confused. I'm guessing no girl has ever cut him off while they were making out. I place my hands around his neck and stretch out my legs in an attempt to make myself more comfortable.

"I'm sorry," I quietly apologize.

"Why?" He asks, running his hand on my face.

"I'm just..." I stop. I know Benji knows I'm a virgin but I'm terrified of disappointing him. He probably has a million girls lined up to have sex with him, why would he wait for me?

Shut up, Brandy. That is the patriarchy telling you that you are not enough when you know that you are. What would Hellen say if she knew you were thinking these things?

"You know," I say, hoping he will catch on.

He nods slowly. "I know," he replies. "And I don't care."