Starboy

Chapter 58: Brunch News

Brandy

Even when all is going well in my life, a girl needs her father. I may be nineteen years old but I will never outgrow spending time with my dad -- the man who changed me for the better. When I reflect on my childhood, all that pops up are memories of the two of us sitting on that same dark blue couch watching baseball and Seinfeld. The amount of the memories I have with my mom are unfortunately being faded with new ones, like the first day of college. Or my very first kiss with Benji. 

After hearing Benji tell me about his problems with his parents, it got me thinking a lot about my mom. Clearly, Benji is the way that he is because of them and I never really thought about that. I wish I knew my mom when I was a teenager. When you're a kid, you aren't old enough to understand that your parents are more than your parents. They are people. I never really paid attention to what kind of a person Mom was and if I shared any of her qualities.

My head is completely in the clouds today, so I decide to pay a visit to Mom. I don't go very often because I'm not great at holding it together. Sometimes I wonder how unfair it all is. Even though Benji's parents aren't exactly parents of the year, at least he has two of them. I am not even complaining because I love my dad and all that he has done for me, but as much as a girl needs her father... she also needs her mother.

The cemetery is pretty quiet today, which makes sense because the snow only just started to become washed away by the rain. Today is a rare one because there is a glimpse of the sun in the sky. I place a beautiful set of freshly cut flowers in front of her grave and stand with my hands behind my back. I promised Dad that if I ever wanted to visit Mom that I would call him, but I feel like being alone today.

"Hi, Mom," I whisper as I hold back my tears. "I know I haven't come to visit you for a while now but... you know what they say: Life is for the living." I place my hand over my face and shake my head. "What am I saying?" I hate myself sometimes. "It's weird, isn't it?" I think out loud. "You have absolutely no idea who I am now. Dad always says that you're watching over me but I never quite believed that. How could you -- and don't take this the wrong way -- but you're gone."

"You probably remember me as your little girl who was trying to learn how to ride a bike. The truth is, I'm still horrible at bike riding," I laugh. "I can't remember the last time I rode a bike. I skateboard now. Well, sometimes. I used to a lot more but college has changed a lot of things."

I look up at the sky and then back down at the ground to regather my thoughts. "I often wonder if you would be proud of the person I've become. Sometimes... sometimes I'm not so proud of the person I'm becoming," I sigh. "Dad always told me that college would change me one way or another but I'm not sure how it changed me. I know that it did but did it change me for the better?" I wonder.

I blow a kiss at her grave, which feels a tad strange but I can't exactly kiss her tombstone. I walk away feeling a bit better than before. I am meeting Dad for lunch at our favourite brunch place because we both have time to meet each other. We are still living with each other but it's nice to see him outside of our little apartment.  

"What did you do today, honey?" Dad asks as he scans the menu. 

"I had a morning class," I lie. Technically, I had a morning class but I didn't go. "Why didn't you tell me college was so hard? I complain.

"I did," he smiles. "I told you a lot about college but you had your own ideas about it, remember?"

"Right," I say. "What are you going to order? I'm craving blueberry pancakes."

He sighs and puts down his menu, as well as mine. "I need to talk to you about something, Brands." That is never good.

"Oh?" I cross my fingers behind my back. "What is it?"