Starboy

Chapter 70: Panic Attack

Benji

Brandy hasn't come home in two days. I've tried calling her but she doesn't pick up. I even thought of going over to her dad's house — where I know she will be — but maybe she needs space and time away from me.

She is hurt, and I understand that. In the past, I have had issues with being honest, letting people in and being vulnerable. If I found out she was secretly dating another guy I would have lost my mind too. I just hate myself for ruining everything, as I always do.

I figured that during summertime Brandy and I would spend even more time together. We talked about all the things we wanted to do but now I'm convinced we won't we doing those things anymore. We wanted to rent a car, drive to Connecticut, and sleep in our car under the stars. That sounded like the exact escape that we both needed... but now I think the only escape she wants is the escape from me.

The end of the school year is approaching and things should be falling into place, not out of it. I don't exact her to forgive me the same way I used to. If this time she decides I'm not good enough for her or that I've hurt her one too many times, I will accept that. It would hurt like hell, but I would accept it. Maybe that would be the right choice because all I do is hurt her and cause problems.

My anxiety starts to really kick in when I'm left alone in the apartment without her. All of these thoughts about her never talking to me again take over my mind and I feel like I can't breathe. Before I know it, I am sitting on the floor in my bedroom with tears streaming down my face. Very rarely do I cry but here I am.

I was taught by my dad growing up that there is no room for crying if you want to be successful. "Crying men become janitors, teachers and clerks," he once said. Well fuck you, Dad. Fuck you!

"Real men hold their shit together and get shit done..."

My brain replays every horrible thing Dad has said to me. All the things that made me believe that showing emotion and being honest and vulnerable makes you less powerful.

"If you want to be like me someday, you need to get your act together, Benji. Quit goofing around with your burnout friends and get your ass in an office."

"You want to make money? You want to be able to afford nice things? Then learn how to do whatever you got to do in order to end up on top."

Stop! My brain can't stop playing these words on loop.

"What do you know, Benji? You're a fucking child. Look at you!"

Shut up!

I squeeze my eyes shut and place my hands over my ears. I can actually start to hear his voice out loud as if he's here talking to me.

"How are the streets of the city treating you? And tell me, how do you pay for all your goddamn drugs without my money?"

"Shut up!" I yell. "Just shut up!" I can't take it anymore. "I hate you," I cry. "Just leave me alone..." Tears run down my face uncontrollably and I let out every bottled up emotion I've had over the last nineteen years.

Finally, his voice vanishes from my mind, but then another voice pops up in his place. Her voice is soft but her words cut deeper than a knife.

"Benji, I never know what you're thinking because all you do is lie to me!"

Oh, no. Please, Brandy, not you too.