silence (spencer reid) book one

thirty four

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it is not your job to save everyone else

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abby jumped at the sound of knocking at Hotch's door waking her up; she didn't know how long she had been asleep but she presumed it was a while. If her feelings were right, Lawrence had a long flight ahead of him so she had some time to rest. She figured the rest of the team had gone home and come back. She couldn't face going home right now.

Abby had trusted Hotch, she had quite literally placed her life in his hands, and vice versa. She only hoped he would not give her a reason to distrust him, and that would include sharing any part of their conversation with the team - especially Reid.

"Speak of the devil." Abby muttered quietly upon turning around and seeing Reid staring back at her, his eyes wide and sad.

"Can I come in please?" Spencer asked timidly.

'What the fuck does he think I'm going to do to him? Hit him? Probably." Abby thought.

"I don't know Reid, not my office." Abby shrugged nonchalantly.

"Reid? I've been bumped down to Reid?" He asked softly, an airier, somewhat joking tone to his voice.

"Yeah. You have." Abby said flatly, her eyes staring hard at the wall in front of her. Spencer's smile faltered, his pupils appeared to grow and glow darker and then went back to nothing.

"But Tom gets to be 'Tom'?" The air in the room turned still and heavy. Spencer ignored his feelings of regret and guilt; reminding himself of what Morgan had said to him after Abby had stormed out.

'Kid, give her time to cool off. She's scared. She's pushing you away.'

'Huh.' Spencer said, his voice sounded distant as he watched Hotch storm out after Abby.

Morgan chuckled quickly. 'I said; Abby is scared, man. She's trying to protect you and she thinks it'd be easier if you hated her.'

'Yeah, I know. Do you think I overreacted though? It was just his name. She just - anytime we've spoken about Lawrence since he-he shot her, which has only ever been once or twice, she's refused to call him by name - says 'it humanises him too much'. I know I'm reading into it too much, I always do. I'm scared for her. When it's a victim or their family I always know how to reassure them, let them know that we'll protect them and not let any harm come to them and I should feel the same for Abby, I mean, how could I think that Abby of all people couldn't look after herself? But I have no idea how to help her.' He paused, looking down sadly, helplessly, hopelessly. 'I don't know how to save her.'.

'Reid. Stop. You put way too much pressure on yourself. You do not have to save everyone else -'

'It's not about 'having to', Morgan. I don't have much experience with relationships, not serious relationships -'

'You don't say.' Morgan interrupted lightly. Spencer glared.

'But I know that what scares her should be what strengthens me. It's not about responsibility, Morgan, it's about loving someone.'

'Shit, Reid. Love.' Morgan patted him on his shoulder, 'Kid, just because you love someone doesn't mean you neglect yourself.'

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"Are you kidding me right now!" Abby laughed humourlessly.

"No, I'm being deadly serious, Abby. You don't have to shut me out, I'm not going to hate you, there is nothing you could say or do that would ever make me hate you. I know you're scared, okay, but you do not have to do this alone. We are not going to leave you, Abby. I am not going to leave you." Spencer said, edging slowly toward her as he spoke.

"Spencer, I'm not worried about you leaving me and before you ask, no, I'm not planning on leaving you. I am...scared. Not of Lawrence, of Hall, of what he can do to you. Hall is smart, okay, he doesn't hurt the person he is looking for, he takes those around them and he pulls at their relationship until - well, until exactly like you said - they hate them." Abby sighed deeply, a moment of realisation, "Which I now realise is exactly what you meant and as usual, you completely figured it out."

Spencer tentatively took her hands and pulled her out of her chair and into his chest. Her head rested on his chest and his on top of hers, Abby's arms wrapped around his waist and she pulled him close, feeling the usual sense of security she had come to know when she was in his presence.

Spencer kissed the top of her head as he whispered into her hair.

"I'm sorry. You were right-"

"Ah my favourite start to a sentence." Abby smiled against his chest.

"I shouldn't have been in the room, we shouldn't have been there. I've put you and Hotch in an impossible situation, what did Hotch say?"

Abby reluctantly pushed herself away from Spencer. She looked up at him and studied his face. She looked into his eyes - hoping silently that he would somehow be able to know everything she was thinking, he would've heard the conversation she had with Hotch, that he could look her straight in the eyes and promise her that she would be safe, that they would all be safe. But instead she just smiled.

"He just said that we'd catch him."

"And we will, Abby. We will catch him."

Abby smiled tightly, nodding silently. Oh how she wished she could be that naive. All she had was one thought as she looked at her boyfriend - 'just don't hurt Spencer. Just not him, Hall, not him'.

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