Sergeant Abigail (Abby) Laurens transfers to the BAU after an operation in Iraq goes horribly wrong and she loses the one man she's ever truly loved. Desperate to escape her guilt she throws herself into her new position but when someone comes back...
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abby saw the cloud of cigarette smoke before she saw him. Then her eyes locked on his body. He felt real. It all felt so real.
"Leo?" her voice sounded like a whisper. A cruel, distance whisper. She could feel the ground beneath her bare feet but she couldn't feel herself moving yet she was aware she was, of course. As she got closer to the foggy figure she saw the face she had tried to so hard to hide.
"Hi, baby." He blew out a puff of cigarette smoke and smiled at her, like the events of that night never happened.
"Am I..." She trailed off, looking at her surroundings.
"No."
Abby found herself laughing. She didn't know why.
"This is a joke, right? People don't really get these dreams. What, is the end of this 'dream' going to be you leading me to a spiral staircase surrounded by fog and I have a choice to make. Do I live or do I choose to die?" She laughed in disbelief.
Leo - or at least the resemblance of Leo - walked towards her.
"This is just your subconscious, Abby. You're in pain -"
"No okay. No. I know how this goes. What, I'm dying and this is what my subconscious thinks I want to see? Before I die I need to right every wrong. Starting with you, is that it?"
"Abby, you never wronged me." He said softly, he still stood a good few feet away.
"No. If I'm dying I don't want to see you. I don't want you to be the one to lead me there, okay?" she looked around, searching for someone else, if this was truly just a figment of her imagination then he should be here too. "Where's my dad? I want my dad. I want my dad to be here instead of you."
"Why won't you say my name?"
"Because you're not here! You're not real!" she screamed at him, his face never faltered. "I don't want to see you again if it isn't you."
He walked closer to her, finally closing the gap between them. His hands went to either side of her face and the two just looked at each other. Their eyes bore into one another - Abby's green eyes glazed over with tears of frustration. This wasn't fair. She longed for more than just to kiss him again; she wanted him to be real.
"Abby," he breathed against her lips. Finally, his lips met hers. It was gentle, delicate.
"I'm sorry." Abby cried as they broke apart.
"I know."
"It's not fair. I - all I want is to see you again."
"You are. I'm right here." She moved away from his touch.
"I want you! Do you want to know why I want to really see you again? Why I've spent the last four and a half months hating the world."
He looked at her gently, waiting for her to go on.
"Because," she looked for the words, "because I want to ask you would you hate me if I let you go? If I decide to have children one day or-or to marry someone else, would I be betraying you? Because I am so pissed off! I want to be totally selfish and I want to see you again because I need to know if I can let you the fuck go because I can't do this anymore! I have had my time to grieve and my time to love you and to remember you but I cannot get you out of my head. I'm pissed off at you! I'm pissed off because I can and will spend every day of my life still loving you but I can't love you because you're dead! I am so mad at you for being dead even though it's my fault!" She screamed, a true gut-wrenchingly broken scream.
"Let me go."
She laughed again, a frustrated laugh.
"That's it? That's all you've got to say?"
"That's all you want me to say."
"What-" She said calmer. It sounded almost like a whisper again.
"I am you, Abby. All you need me to say is that you can let me go. You can scream and shout and hate at the world but I am never coming back. And all you truly want from me and the universe now is a sign that you're not a terrible person for moving on; for loving someone else. Or at least having the ability to love someone else. You don't need a retribution or an explanation, after everything you've seen, you really believe there is still an explanation to all of this? All you need is my forgiveness. Not for letting me die - as you think. But for letting me go."
Abby stood sobbing, staring at the silver figure of the man she imagined she would spend the rest of her life with.
She took him in her arms once more and kissed him again. She poured all of the pain and loneliness of the last months into the kiss; but she also said her goodbyes through the action.
"I forgive you, Abigail. I forgive you."
. . . . . . . . . .
this was so hard to write ah. next chapter will be the final one of this arc-type-mess. then back to a case and romantic stylez.
it was also a lot shorter!
don't forget to vote and comment, it really does mean a lot. i hope you're enjoying 'silence'.
