his star

𝐗𝐈𝐈

𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨

𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟽𝚝𝚑, 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟼

She is hurrying down the stairs of the Astronomy Tower, leaving me behind.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I guess it wasn't that.

Thinking about it, it's stupid of me to assume that I could talk to her in a normal way, without getting yelled at or abandoned.

I don't even know why I wanted to talk to her in the first place. She was about to leave and something inside me wanted her to stay, for whatever reason.

At first, I thought I had done well, disarming her and giving her no choice but keeping me company. Frankly speaking, it's not her presence I was craving, it was just the fact that someone was there and I didn't want that person to leave, didn't want to be alone once again.

The desperation of being with someone wasn't the only reason why I made her stay though. I was curious about her story, about the fact that her father died and I think I wanted to find comfort in it. I myself feel like I've lost my father, fell like he is dead and a part of me wanted to know how it really is like to lose a parent.

It turned out rather quickly that I couldn't compare my life with hers. She loved her father and I hate mine. She saw him as her friend and I see mine as an enemy. She misses him and feels lost without her father.

In my case, I would probably feel relieved and free if he were dead.

She felt uncomfortable being with me and even though I didn't like her presence either, I looked for another subject to talk about.

It's pathetic that I even asked her why she hates me as soon as she said it, because I know very well why. It never came out of her mouth before though and I was longing to hear her tell me every reason why she hates me.

Not because I wanted to make up for my mistakes and prove that I'm a better person, but I guess I needed to hear how awful and disgusting I really am.

Maybe no one would understand the fact that I wanted to be insulted, but I needed her to tell me what a tremendous person I am.

It's easier for me to be humiliated than to be complimented. Hearing her say all these things, all the terrible things I did to her, made me somehow feel better.

It made me feel better because I felt like I deserve to be treated that way. I deserve to live with the thought of being killed by the Dark Lord because I'm awful, an unworthy person.

She told me how she sees me and how much she hates being around me and it somehow made me feel more comfortable with the fact that I'm abandoning all the people I truly like, my friends.

If it makes sense, I don't even know myself, but in that moment I felt like I needed to be told how hated I am in order to be okay with the fact that I'm loosing everything good. Horrible things are going to happen and I will be the cause of it. Knowing what a bad person I already am makes it more bearable.

My eyes are still fixed on the place where I last saw her before she disappeared out of my sight and I find myself being alone again.

I must have been captured in my thoughts for quite some time, because when I turn back around, looking at the sky, I see that the colourful sunset turned into the dark of the night.

I want to think about something different, but my mind wanders back to her, not exactly knowing why.

At first I can only picture her face and it makes me feel uncomfortable, being clueless of why I have to waste my thoughts on her out of all people. The girl in my head seems familiar, but in real life I don't know her at all.