his star

𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐕𝐈𝐈𝐈

𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨

Back too soon.

Sometimes things start to change for the worse when the universe realises that you are slowly getting better. Sometimes life wasn't meant to be lived. In a lot of cases, people just go with it and endure everything that has to be endured in order to survive and if that task of being alive gets carried out well, maybe you have the chance to live death the way others live life.

That's me. I'm such a case.

I thought that I got my act together and that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't meant to be that case. I thought that for once, I was speared and that finally it was my turn to receive all the good anyone else already has enough of. I was certain that after all those years of fighting with myself, I got gifted with something - or better said, someone - who stopped the fight and who tried so hard to show me a bit of peace, a bit of light.

Well, I learned that I can't be certain of anything but the fact that everyone has to die sooner or later.

She didn't die. She didn't let go of me. She didn't beg me to continue the fight I have with myself without her.

It's me, I'm the problem.

Thinking about it, it's the others fault, but I am the one who has to let her go. I am the one who pushes her away and in her eyes, it must look like I made the choice voluntarily.

I didn't. The choice was made from inside the house I'm currently standing in front of. It's like I have no voice of my own anymore because every single order leaves his mouth and I only am the henchman that has to deal with the shit he wishes me to do.

With every step I take towards the Manor and with every step I get closer to mother who is already waiting for me, I take one more step away from her.

It's fucking ridiculous because after all, we were nothing. We never discussed where we are standing, in which direction our relationship is developing. No one knows - or now knew - whether there is something in between us or not.

We were nothing, but the farer away I get from her, the more I realise that only after this short time we truly had together, we were everything. At least in my eyes we were.

Not the type of everything that contains years of good memories and years of knowledge of the other. Not the type of everything that leaves the others speechless because they wish to have the exact same kind of relationship we do.

It's the type of everything that seems ridiculously like nothing to others, but for me she was all the things I seemed to need in order to smile more, to talk about things I used to avoid and most importantly, she was all I needed to accept the fact that I too deserve a little bit of the good life has to offer. That I too am worthy of letting someone touch me in the smallest way possible without feeling the need to wash it all off.

I had it for some time and it was great, but that time is over now.

Maybe it isn't over now, but for now. Maybe after the task was carried out successfully I will be able to get back what I was forced to let go.

I can't be certain, but I can be hopeful.

For a short moment, I picture her hand taking hold of mine. I picture that her small feet are standing on my toes and that her so seemingly weak arms are holding me so tightly that it feels like she is going to break some part of me.

I picture Adhara, but it truly is mother who is greeting me in her traditional way of saying that she is glad to finally have me back even if it isn't in the way we both wished to meet.