his star

𝐗𝐗𝐈𝐗

𝐀𝐝𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚

The most beautiful time of the year has come, they always say, but what really is that?

People decided that Christmas is the best time of the year, but I don't understand why exactly.

Of course you are supposed to celebrate it with your family and enjoy every single minute of it, but why do you need Christmas for that? Why can't you do it on any other day?

I'm honest, I used to love it. Back then, my family was whole and I had my father and my mother who sang songs with me and decorated the Christmas tree in every colour I wanted. We baked biscuits together and sometimes father and I ate the dough that was meant for the cookies, but no one cared because after all, it was Christmas time.

Somehow, people decided that love is more important in December than in April for example. They somehow set the rule that you are supposed to laugh and have fun while you do stuff you shouldn't necessarily be doing, but it was and still is okay because everyone somehow seems to be more forgiving.

Family, that's what I think of when I hear the word 'Christmas'.

Maybe that's why I don't really like it anymore.

It doesn't feel familiar, doesn't feel like it once was because my family isn't the same anymore. Father is gone, mother somehow too and I'm here. I'm alone even though I know that I have people around me who love me and who became my second family, but I still miss my first.

A few years ago at this time of the day, I ran down into the living room, sitting under the tree while being surrounded by all the beautifully wrapped presents. Father played a short song on the piano and mother just stood next to the armchair while smiling at me.

Thinking back at it, I can still feel the excitement in myself. The moment I could free the package of the wrapping and the moment I first saw what my parents have gotten me was probably the best thing of the whole day. I knew that being gifted with toys wasn't the most important part of that holiday, but somehow I wouldn't have been able to celebrate it the same without presents.

Now, I don't care.

I don't wish for anything because there is nothing I need, nothing that can be bought at least. I don't sing with others because I've lost the joy in it.

I don't look forward to Christmas, I look beyond it. January, that's what I need because then the whole spread-love-and-be-kind time of the year would finally be over and I wouldn't need to see it for eleven to twelve more months.

Sadly, I can't skip days so now I find myself sitting on the floor of my dorm, Pansy facing me with a big smile placed on her face.

"Come on, open it." she says excitedly and seeing her like that causes me to smile too.

She loves Christmas and I grew to hate it, but because of her I like it a bit more, at least I try to.

"Where did you get those?" my eyes widen when I unpack the present she gave me, having to be careful to not cut myself.

"I have my contacts." she answers, smiling while watching my every move, "I wasn't sure if you still wanted them, but I thought I'd get them anyway. If you don't like them, I can-"

"Shut up!" I raise my voice slightly, locking eye contact with my best friend who seemed to tense up a bit, but when she hears my voice again, she exhales in relief, "I love them, thank you Pansy."

I slowly drag my pointer finger over the sharp blade, not wanting to cut myself but wanting to feel the sensation of slight hurt and stopping at the point at which it would start to be painful.