Caught In Your Chaos ✓

Chapter Seventy-Six

I never broke down - nothing could break my spirit to the point that I wouldn't be able to heal myself. I wasn't one to grieve over things - things which were not the end of the world. The only regret that I harbored was Jake's inability to accept his emotions.

Maybe he thought of himself as the unreachable person, masking away his true self, but I had seen through him. It was funny how easily I had let him humiliate my emotions for whatever effed-up reason.

No trauma or pain is worth hurting people who care for you and are willing to share your devastation with you. I wasn't yet one with his lamenting mind, and no matter how strongly I wanted him to grow out of that, it wasn't my fight.

I didn't want to cry. Instead, I accepted it all, breathed out the ache in my heart, and slept fourteen hours straight. Eventually, I quit going to the classes. It wouldn't go back to normal just the next day, however strong a person you are- it still needed time.

Jess had offered earlier to come over and suggested a shopping day out. But I knew it wouldn't change a thing. Instead, I stayed locked up in my dorm room all day long with closed curtains, writing to the point that my fingertips were pained and my eyes hurt. What was I writing?

I didn't know when I had converted my story so emotional, cliche to the point I wanted to shred it out, and so goddamn hopeless romantic. I changed it all. Every emotion had to go first. Then the romance had to be turned realist.

Love doesn't have to be about fates or being convinced that you're meant to fall for each other. It's just as normal as feeling happy for someone you care about and then be sad when they don't feel the same way.

Happiness and love are two different words and, each of them holds equal importance. You can love someone profoundly with all your heart but still can't make them happy. Happiness isn't a by-default behavior. It's a choice. It means nothing if we don't have someone to share it with or live it with together.

The day was already reaching its end as I finally pulled the curtain away and stretched my stiff limbs. The sky was turning steel grey, ominously dull, which reflected my mood. I was brooding, my mind on the dark thoughts and painful acceptance that maybe falling in love wasn't the best way of living a happy life.

Liz: Hi Amy! How are you doing? Are you still coming to the party tomorrow? I wish you could make it and Elijah.

A text from Liz pulled me back into the present. I had almost forgotten about the party and certainly about Elijah. I wanted to warn Liz about the heartbreak that would follow if Elijah didn't reciprocate her feeling, much like how I was suffering. Maybe they would fall out like us, or perhaps they would end up together. After all, opposites attract. Even though I had no interest in any parties, I had promised Liz that I would make it. Why anything had to stop working the way it was before?

I didn't want to be face to face with him, but I couldn't avoid the confrontation forever. I might as well pretend his existence in my life was as non-essential as mine in his.

I took a deep breath and released all my hurtful thoughts.

Fare thee well, Jacob.

Me: Sure, we'll be there. Send in the location.

All of a sudden, I wanted to be out of my room, out in the fresh air. So the world didn't move ahead of me. I texted Liz while walking out of my dorm towards the coffee house. I needed a little caffeine in my system to function like before.

Liz: See you at the party, Amy. I hope you and Jake work things out too.

I didn't feel like replying to her texts anymore. The thing between us wouldn't work out this time. Not when both of us knew we weren't trying for it to work out in the first place. I locked my cellphone and stuffed it into the back pocket of my jeans.