The Difference Between Fear and Terror

Untitled Part 2

I never know if I am awake or asleep. The darkness is all encompassing. The silence is deafening. It's maddening. It's like I'm always being watched under a microscope.

I'm broken. Always have been. But now I am paralyzed with the fear of the whip and terror of the man behind it.

The day I was abducted plays like a tape through my head. I have had plenty of time to think while trapped in my own headspace.

The boys had to go on assignment. Same as always. All of them were required to go, leaving me no one to stay with. That's when it happened. Only thirty minutes after they left. Someone broke into my house. Thinking it was a robber, I hid. By hiding, I cornered myself. A hood went over my head, never coming off. I've never seen my captor.

Maybe I should have taken my mother's advice. Everyone in the world is evil, she'd say, everyday someone gets murdered or raped.

My jaw is forced open by a finger. A handful of pellets dropped into my mouth. Dog food. I swallow. Chewing is not permitted. A splash of water hits my throat. I gulp it down.

Please say I did it right. That would be too much to ask. It's his fists this time, cold against my bare skin, but warm up quickly. I don't flinch, don't stiffen, I barely register the pain. It's as if I've lost the ability to react. He stops. Punishments don't normally happen too close together, so I feel safe to close my eyes.

We are at Nathan's. All ten of us. We are playing in the pool, having a great time. Gabriel is fussing over my hair. North is complaining that there isn't enough fruit. Then everything mutes. They start getting frustrated with me, shaking me, slapping me. And then I lose my sight. The beating gets harder. I start getting hit with belt buckles. Then everything stops. Mr. Blackbourne's voice cuts through the silence.

"You aren't worth our time. You are too broken to fix."