The Difference Between Fear and Terror

Untitled Part 31

 dig around in the bedside drawer, looking for a way to destroy the evidence. Cigarettes, matches, mini bottles of whiskey, more matches. I was more looking for scissors or something, but matches will work.

I go into the adjoined bathroom and lock the door. I rip out those pages out of my journal, throwing the rest of the book to the ground.

I strike the match over the sink, letting the paper catch fire. I hold the match to the paper as it burns down, and down further.

I feel the heat on my hand, but I don’t move. I don’t flinch away from the burning sensation. 

The paper is effectively gone, but I still hold the match. It is less than a centimeter long now, flame licking my skin.

A sense of relief comes with the pain. Pain does mean I’m still alive after all. Pain is what reminded me that I was alive while in the closet. I guess in a way I’m still there.

I deserve the pain. If I didn’t why would I have been given so much?

The match blows itself out as it reaches the end. My hand stings, but it isn’t much. I’ve had worse. I can’t tell where I was burned between all of my other scars.

I scoop the remains of the paper into the bin, covering it with the other trash.

Dr. Setters is expecting me to write, so I guess I should rewrite the entry. This time around, it needs to be all puppies and rainbows and stuff.

I go back into the bedroom to write. I have to think for a moment before I put pen to paper. It is like writing a story, a new web of thoughts. A new web of lies.

I am sore. Really sore everywhere. But I feel better otherwise. I am so relieved to be back home. I thought I would be stuck there forever.

I missed my family so much. My real family. Kota, Victor, Silas, Nathan, Gabriel, Luke, North, Dr. Green, and Mr. Blackbourne.

I don’t even care that my family deserted me. My father doesn’t matter to me, neither does my sister. They were never there anyways. It is kind of good they are gone.

That was completely untrue. But my awful lying isn’t recognizable through writing. Is it?