The Difference Between Fear and Terror

Untitled Part 48

1 week later~ Sang

I lied. I'm sorry Luke. Sorry Mr. Blackbourne. It's way more complicated than you think. I need it to stay alive, to be alive, and I don't think you will ever understand. You will never understand the thoughts that flood my head, or more so, the lack of them. The only thing present up there is an urge.

I know this is self-destructive. I don't need you to tell me that like you think it is going to help. Honestly, I really do know. Mr. Blackbourne told me, Luke told me, Dr. Setters told me. But I don't care. It is too hard to give up the sight of skin bubbling up into a blister. To hard to give up the release that comes with a lit match.

I'm sorry I lied, but some things are worth lying for.

It's like chewing your nails, everyone tells you to stop but you continue, not knowing what is driving you to do it.

But I know what is driving me to do this. I cant take the numbness that has replace the bottomless fear. I stand between oblivion and reality, not sure which way I'm leaning at ay given moment. I don't remember what way I am supposed to lean.

It's like a child's teddy bear, providing comfort. I need it to fall asleep. I need it to feel safe again. I need it to continue.

I'm sorry for lying but I will never apologize for what I'm doing.

~Luke~

I lied. This stopping thing is harder than I thought. Sorry Sang. Sorry North. It is way more complicated than you think. Or maybe it is simple and I'm just weak. Either way you wouldn't understand.

I know that cutting is "bad". You haven't ceased blabbering on about it. Get over it, it's a fact of life. Deal with it. But apparently Dr. Setters thinks otherwise.

It's hard to give up the sight of blood, rushing red rivers down my arms and legs. It's too hard to give up the release that comes from a blade.

I would say I'm sorry for lying but I'm not really.

It is like how North drinks the guilt away. Mine isn't really any more destructive than his.

It is like Kota's counting, I don't know why I do it I just know it works. It just happens.

Does this life thing ever end? Because I just want to disappear. Death can't hurt any more than the emotions clanging around in my skull.

Sorry, I guess, for lying to you Sang.