The Difference Between Fear and Terror

Untitled Part 18

I eat some semisolid meal from the hospital kitchen. I know that hospital food has a notorious reputation for being disgusting, but it is actually quite good. But maybe that is just me completely forgetting what food tastes like.

Everyone just sits in my room, staring at me while I eat. Mr. Blackbourne is the only one to speak. "How was your appointment?" He watches me carefully, looking fro lies. "It was f-fine." And it was, asides from nearly going into a panic attack of course. "Would you be willing to meet with him again?" I shrug, not really caring one way or the other. While it would be nice to talk to someone, i didn't really want to talk to anyone. 

"Everybody out, Pookie needs her beauty rest." They all file out with minimal complaint. Will it always be this awkward? He flicks off the switch, plunging the room into darkness.

I can't see. It is just like being in that closet with the hood over my head. I can't see, it is just dark. I bring my knees to my chest, trying to remind myself that I'm not there. I know that I'm not there, but still, terror pulses through my veins.

It's stupid. I'm afraid of the dark. Make that two ridiculous things I'm afraid of. Showers and the dark. I pathetic. I continuously look over my shoulder, half expecting him to be there.

I try to focus on the streetlight out the window. It doesn't work. It only brings my attention to the shadows.

I bury my face in my knees. I squint my eyes shut. I clench my fists. Nothing can rein in my fear.

The dark brings back memories I'd rather forget. Fists and boots. Belt buckles. Dog food. Salt water. The feeling of a slow painful death. All the way back to the first closet with my step-mother. Lemon juice and vinegar. Showers and stools. Bruises from rice.

The monsters come back. The glowing red eyes. The hand strangling me. Fire surrounding me. The boys leaving me. 

The boys. The boys can't know about this silly little fear. I can't be any trouble, otherwise they'll leave. 

I feel like I'm tingling everywhere. My heart is beating on overdrive. I'm scared. I'm afraid the hospital is just a dream inside my nightmare. I'm back in the closet.

I need out of here. I need to get out before he finds me. I can't catch my breath and a dew forms on my skin.

I try rocking back and forth, hoping that the motion will alleviate the building pressure in my chest. 

My breath comes in shaky gasps. I am sobbing uncontrollably. I can't get away from him. I am still in that closet. 

I try to calm down, but I can't. I stare at the dark wall, reliving the past year. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep. My nerves are alive.

I watch the sun rise, knowing that now it is pointless to go to sleep. My breakfast is brought in. I devour it. After last year I don't think I will ever turn down food again. 

Dr. Green whistles as he walks in. "Hi Pookie." He is perfectly happy until he sees me. I'm sure I have bags under my eyes and tear streaks down my cheeks. "Did you sleep okay?" I lie through my teeth. "It was f-fine." He could tell I was lying, but he didn't push it. He marked something down on my chart. Dr. Setters comes in and flips open the chart, studying it. He nods at Dr. Green, who leaves. 

"Good morning Miss Sang."