Between Love and Hate

Certifiably Insane

*Violet's POV*

I finally make it to Rebecca's and knock on the front door. She answers it and a smile crosses her face when she answers it and she hugs me.

"Vi!"

"Hey Becca!" I say and hug her back.

She leads me towards the kitchen and says, "I just made coffee. Do you want some?"

"Um, yes. What kind of question is that?" She grins and then pours us each a mug with some milk in it. We bring our mugs to the living room and sit cross legged in our normal spots on the sectional.

"So, how are your classes going?" I ask her and then take a sip of my coffee.

"They're fine. Nothing too difficult yet. I have an entire class dedicated to tragedies and, not surprisingly, a lot of them are by Shakespeare. That guy had some serious issues. How about you?"

"Classes are fine, I guess."

"Just fine?"

"I broke up with Jace," I blurt out. Her mouth drops open and she says, "What?! Why?!"

I explain the whole story (leaving out Kane's involvement) and by the end of my story, her eyes are wide with shock.

"That's- wow. That's a lot Violet. Are you okay?"

"Surprisingly, yes. I mean I feel better than I have, probably, ever. Like I feel like I'm finally figuring out who I am, you know?"

"That's great, Vi. I mean, obviously break ups suck, but like, it's nice to see you like this."

"Thanks Becca. How about you? Any boys I should know about?"

She blushes and looks away and then says, "Well, there is sort of this one boy. His name is Eddie. He's in a lot of my classes and he asked me to go for coffee next week."

"What?! Tell me everything!"

She proceeds to tell me all about Eddie and how they met and the entire time I find myself wishing I could tell her about Kane. About how incredible he makes me feel and how he's pretty much the reason I'm so okay. But I can't and might never be able to. But this isn't about me. It's about Rebecca and I really am happy for her, so I try my best to focus on what she's saying and be supportive of her.

Once she finishes her story, we binge watch several episodes of Glee before I tell her I should get going. I really should spend more time with my father since I drove all this way.

I thank her for the coffee and she hugs me goodbye.

I spend the rest of the afternoon hanging out with my Dad like we always used to do on weekends and we eat dinner with Marcella again. It's low key and relaxed and I can almost pretend like my life hasn't taken a 180 degree turn in the last 3 weeks.

It's after 11pm by the time I head to bed. I call Kane's phone and it rings several times before going to voicemail. I feel a pang in my chest. Why didn't he answer? My mind starts spiraling into a dark hole; imagining Kane with someone prettier than me, more experienced than me. Someone like Ana. The second Jace was in another city, he slept with her. Why wouldn't Kane do the same? No. Kane is not Jace. Stop it. Kane is not Jace. Kane is not Jace. Kane is not Jace.

I realize I'm breathing very heavily. I'm about to have a panic attack. Calm down, Violet. Breathe. I sit on the floor and bring my knees into my chest. I attempt to take a deep breath in but my lungs stop me. No no no no. Stop. Please. I don't want this. I close my eyes and force myself to count. 1...2...3...4. I breathe with my counts and eventually I no longer feel like I'm about to lose it.

I manage to walk to my bathroom and wash my face with cold water and brush my teeth before changing and getting into bed. I lie awake, tossing and turning, trying to convince myself that I'm being ridiculous. I don't know how long I lay there, unable to sleep before I hear my phone vibrate once on the nightstand.

Kane: Sorry I missed your call. Was out with Striker and Blade. Call me in the morning?

I immediately push the call button and hold it to my ear.

He answers right away and says, "Hey, sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, you didn't. I was still up. Couldn't sleep," I say softly into the phone.

"Hi Violet," I hear, muffled in the background of the phone. Striker. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. He really was just out with them. God I feel ridiculous.

"Striker says hi if you didn't hear that," Kane says.

"I did. Tell him I say hi back."

"I will. Try to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow Violet."

"I will. Goodnight," I say and then hang up the phone. I place it down and attempt to fall asleep.

When my alarm goes off at 9am the next day, I do not feel rested at all. My almost-panic attack just added to the empty bed situation. I realize how pathetic it is that I'm already so dependent on this person who tormented me every chance he got for the last 5 years. But he told me he did it to protect me. And after seeing the scars on his body, I believe him. Every time I think about it, I consider how certifiably insane I am. There's a reason I haven't told my therapist about Kane and it's because I'm legitimately concerned that she'll have me committed.

I head down for breakfast and find my father already sitting there with his coffee and morning newspaper in hand. Marcella has a bunch of things pre-chopped on the counter and when she sees me, she pours my coffee and says, "I'm making omelets. What would you like in yours?"

I tell her and then we all sit down to eat breakfast together. This time, when it's time for me to leave again, I don't feel sad like I did the last time. Obviously I'm going to miss my Dad, but I feel like I'm really going in the right direction now. I'm becoming this new person and it's exciting.

When I finally get back to campus, I find Kane leaning up against his Porsche in front of my building. I park my car and abandon my bag in it as I run up to him. He pushes off of his car when he sees me coming and I jump onto him, wrapping my legs around his waist and burying my face into his shoulder. I breathe in and instantly relax.

The way the faint smell of cigarette smoke mixes with his cologne is intoxicating. I pull back just enough to bring my lips to his. I can taste the lingering smoke and the mint gum he's chewing.

It takes me several seconds to remember that we are in a public space and several more to care enough to pull away. I unwrap my legs and he sets me down and I look up and say, "Hi."

"Hi," he replies, giving me a half grin.

"How long have you been waiting here?" I ask him.

"Not that long. Maybe 15 minutes."

I nod and say, "I just have to grab my bag and we can head inside."

When we get upstairs, Stella is sitting at her desk. She looks over and says, "Hey Violet and Violet's shadow," giving Kane a wink. I have to hold back my laughter when I look up and see the unimpressed look on Kane's face.

"Hi Stella," I say, still trying not to laugh.

"Did you guys eat yet?" She asks. I shake my head and she says, "Good, I'm starving, let's go grab some lunch and you can tell us all about your weekend."

I drop my bag and then grab Kane's hand as we walk down to the parking lot.