The Boy From The Bridge - Jakehoon

Chapter 60: Regret 1/9

Jake wished that he could cut open his stomach and empty it of all the toxins sitting in it. He felt unwell. His forehead was hot and had he not already splashed his face with water he might have being able to discern if he was sweating.

He had retreated to the theatre's toilets three minutes before, arriving there after waiting fifteen long minutes after being groped by Namil. The very real requirement to empty his bladder gave him an easy reason for absence. However, while he no longer needed to pee, Jake still felt mightily uncomfortable.

His vision switched into focus once more and he saw, and then heard, the water flowing from the open faucet into the unplugged sink he was standing in-front of. The water draining uselessly away, wasted. Coming to his sense not to waste, Jake reached forward and in a sudden movement switched the water off. Steadying himself after the jolt of motion he looked up at the mirror that was hung above the sink. The lower half of the mirror was fogged with steam. Above that mist, Jake saw himself. He looked tired, which was fair as he was, both mentally and physically. He leaned into his reflection to get a better look at himself and in performing that action realised that he felt heavy and slow.

His face was drained and he could see prominent circles below his eyes, that he tried in vain to rub away. The eyes themselves were bloodshot and Jake felt he looked ugly. Repulsed, he didn't want to look at himself any longer. He turned the water back on and splashed it against his face once more.

'How much longer?' Jake wondered to himself. He couldn't stomach any more of the production and was not keen on subjecting himself to any more advances from Namil. Checking the time on his phone Jake saw he had a text from Sunghoon.

Reading it Jake tried to draft a response. Firstly with an emoji, trying to brush off the earlier incident before trying a second attempt where he explained what had happened. Jake realised he had neither the words or the composure to describe what had happened, nor did he have the gumption or desire to try. Sighing, Jake ended up not sending Sunghoon anything and left the toilet.

Upon exiting through the door of the men's toilets, Jake was presented with a dilemma - he didn't know which way to go. To his left was to the theatre's foyer and beyond that a way home, that was the way he wanted to go to immediately put tonight behind him. To his right was his alternative, returning to watch the remainder of the show with Namil.

In returning he would be holding on to the reason he came here in the first instance. To try and progress by building relationships with those who are more well connected, more powerful and more wealthy. Yes - it was beyond unpleasant to be touched by Namil but if Jake was really going to pursue a 'win at all costs' mentality then he told himself to 'suck it up'.

'I've come this far' Jake thought to himself, resigning himself to returning to the auditorium. Just when his mind was made up his phone buzzed again. Knowing that once in the auditorium he wouldn't be able to check his phone Jake stopped his advance and took out his phone.

It was a message from Yun, 'When's the wedding???????' Which acted as a caption for an accompanying photo. The photo itself had been taken the evening before. It showed Sunghoon with his arm draped over Jake's back. It was resting there, comfortably. Jake remembered that moments after that photo had seemingly been taken Sunghoon had squeezed his shoulder.

That feeling had been nice at the time, a jarring contrast when set against the sensations felt by Jake's body when he had been groped by Namil. Yet despite the obvious differences in tone and circumstance there existed a peculiar and unpleasant similarity that made Jake's hairs stand on end.

Both touches had been to illicit a positive reaction from Jake's body and both had succeeded in that endeavour. Perhaps, due to his intoxicated state, part of Jake had enjoyed being touched by Namil. The idea that his body might enjoy something so perverse as the machinations of a seedy old pervert disgusted Jake and he felt sick once more. 

Instead of retreating back to the toilet, Jake listened to his body this time and fled the theatre. 

The journey home was arduous. It was cold, wet and windy and Jake hadn't really come appropriately dressed for a night like this one. He had taken a bus to rendezvous with Namil who had then paid for a taxi with which to drive them to the theatre. Now by himself and at this late hour, Jake realised he didn't know enough about the metro system of Seoul, for example if they had night time routes that were different from their day time counterparts.

Jake knew he could just check, but that would mean retrieving his hands from his pockets where they were burrowed firmly in place. With a lot on his mind and despite his weak state and a lack of an umbrella, Jake decided to stubbornly face the elements and walk home.

The cold rain came with such a velocity that Jake forgot about his earlier fatigue. Each droplet felt like a high powered micro slap against his face. The plague of regret was too strong a subject in his mind - why had he come alone to a theatre with a man he hardly knew? Why had Jungkook let him? Did he not know the type of person Namil was? Was this Sunghoon's fault for all their extravagant innuendos at the fundraiser the week before? Had he inadvertently lead Namil on? 

The more he walked, the more he thought and the greater the unpleasant ideas in Jake's mind became. He thought back to Heeseung's failed party, when Aicha had let her hands reach parts of his anatomy - he had wanted that to continue, it had felt easy, it had felt right. Was the alien and uncomfortable reaction he felt from Namil's advances because Namil was old enough to be his father or because Namil was a man?

The prospect that had arisen in Jake's mind and the conviction it was leading to began to settle - the prospect that maybe, he just didn't want to be the recipient of touches and the desires from the same sex. Maybe his body was telling him, in its reaction to Namil's groping, what his mind had failed to see. That he wasn't gay and he was probably just overflowing with hormones that had allowed him to get with Sunghoon. 'Excess testosterone didn't make him homosexual - did it?'

With dark thoughts fermenting through his mind, Jake continued his long walk home - his hands clenched into fists in his pockets.

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Jakehoon fanfic 10.1

A/N:       😞