Cuddle Buddies - Niko Vilhelm Moilanen | Blind Channel

I don't want you to feel worse again

I took a deep breath again before I started talking about what had happened between Naomi and me which, at the same time, had shaped me a lot. „It all started in primary school when we got grades for the first time. Mine were great whereas Naomi wasn't happy at all with the ones she got. She started gossiping about me. At first, she only said I was annoying nerd which wasn't a hundred percent wrong but not accurate either. But over time, she told more and more lies about me. Especially about me being mean to weaker people.

She was very popular, so people believed her and disliked me. Unfortunately, he even my best friends believed the stupid shit she told even though they should have known better. Henceforth, I had only very few friends but lots of people who disliked me, spread lies about me and some even hurt me physically. I hoped that it all would get better when we all graduated from primary school and changed to other schools but..." Niko finished my sentence with a quiet „it didn't."

I shook my head before I nodded which made Niko look at me confused. But before he could ask anything, I continued talking. „At first it got better because we went to different schools. I went to the one in the village we lived in and Naomi went to a school in an adjacent bigger city. For the first two years, everything was awesome. I still had the few friends from primary school and some more I got to know in my class in year five."

„But then you moved because of your father's job, right?", Niko assumed. „You remember that?", I asked clearly surprised that he remembered what I had told him once. „Of course", Niko smiled a little. I tried to smile too, but I failed. The memories of all the things that happened after we moved were too much for me. I. remembered every mean word, every time they tried to hurt me physically, I felt all the horrible feelings again, I felt all the pain again as if it happened in that moment and not almost ten years ago. My heartbeat became faster, I breathed more irregularly.

Apparently, Niko noticed that I wasn't in a good condition anymore. By wrapping his arms further around me, he tightened his grip so that I at least wouldn't fall. „Sofia, I'm here. I feel like you're having a panic attack, I want you to sit down in case you can't stand anymore. As far as I know, the next bench is about 50 meters away. Do you think you can go there on your own?" I wanted to tell him that I was fine and his worries were unreasonable but I wasn't able to do that. That's why I didn't resist and nodded, already turning my head around to find the bench Niko was talking about.

Niko loosened his grip again, but still supported me as we slowly walked towards the bench. As we arrived, Niko helped me sit down before he took a seat next to me. As we finally sat, he hugged me again, not saying anything. I don't know how long we sat there, hugging each other silently but it must have been some minutes. As Niko loosened our hug and looked me in the eyes, I was almost calm again. My thoughts were filled with how good Niko smelled and how good his warm, tight hugs felt, the feelings I had felt thinking about my middle and high school time where gone.

„Are you okay again?", he asked softly. I smiled at him, before I nodded and whispered a „Thank you". As a response, Niko smiled back and stroke over my back. I again felt extremely comfortable, probably I could spend hours sitting somewhere with the tattooed man and hugging. If hugging Niko already makes me feel that comfortable, how comfortable must cuddling with him be? I wished to once experience that but I knew how unlikely that was since he probably doesn't cuddle with the best friend of one of his best friends that he git to know not long time ago. Additionally, he wouldn't cuddle with someone he's only friends with. Cuddling is something that couples do, so don't hope to experience that, I told myself.

I didn't want to destroy his success to calm me down, but I still felt the need to tell him everything that happened, as hard as it would be. I knew I had to tell him at some point, so why not when our mood was already quite down because of everything we had gone through and told each other? „Back then, I had to change school too because we moved on the other side of that bigger city..." I started but was interrupted by Niko who whispered „sshhht. Don't tell me now. I don't want you to feel worse again."