epiphany ♕ | 𝗷𝗮𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗽𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿

46

TWO SOULS COME TOGETHER EVERY second of every hour. Whether it'd be in small animals, insects, reptiles, or humans, those two souls would come together. Remus Lupin was having a hard time overcoming this feeling of guilt. He kept blaming himself for breaking Lily's heart, but deep down, he knew it was for the best. Ever since he was a young child, he'd have this feeling. He wasn't sure what it was or what it could be. It felt wrong to think of things that would result in punishments. No, you could never be too sure what would happen. He swore at himself for ever thinking that way, but the older he became, the worse it got. It taunted him every time he glanced at Sirius, heart pounding through his chest. He thought he overcame this stage when he was younger.

"Why do you always go and fool me?" he talked to his heart, sticking out his lip. "You can never satisfy me to be in a healthy relationship." Remus paused. "I just wanted one thing, one thing from you, but you couldn't make this work..." he licked his lips, "you never do."

His heart and his mind didn't act on accord when it came to love. One told him to go with his mind, and the other told him to go with his heart. Sometimes he felt like he wanted both, and that made him conflicted. How could one person not be able to choose? It made him angry, restless; it made him want to go through the woods and lash out at the trees. Remus had never been so conflicted with his emotions, but the thought of love made him afraid. Lily had reassured him that he could never hurt her, and he believed her. What a foolish thing.

This feeling—it feels like a storm brewing inside. Remus shouted at the wall, asking what he did to deserve such thoughts.

"Tell me." he hissed under his breath. "Tell me, please..." Remus felt a tear slip out of his eye. "I can't take this anymore." If only he hadn't broken up with Lily, then he wouldn't be having these thoughts.

—
FLASHBACK
—

Lily Evans was sprawled on Remus's bed, flipping through pieces of parchment for her upcoming presentation. He thought of her as an autumn fairy, hair as auburn as the leaves from trees. Remus truly admired her for everything she'd done for him, but he felt empty. When you love someone, you feel like the passion inside your heart burns, but for some reason, it didn't feel like that anymore. Every time Remus gazed into her eyes, he couldn't find that spark.

"Lily." Remus abruptly said. The green-eyed girl glanced at him, setting down her papers.

"Yes?"

"I have something to say, but I'm not so sure you'll like the outcome." he fidgeted with his fingers, glancing at the floor. Remus was always nervous, but today his nerves were worse.

"Okay, well, ask away." Lily put her hair behind her ears, waiting for him to begin.

"I love you, I do." he began, "but something inside me isn't correlating with my heart. I know you may think of me as peculiar—which I wouldn't argue about, but I cannot continue with this relationship."

Lily's jaw was unhinged. Never in her life would she have thought Remus Lupin to be the type to break up with someone. It puzzled her; all she wanted to know was why?

"But-"

"I have never wanted to make something work much more than this relationship, and the thought of ending things with you hurt me. It makes me believe that I'll never find true happiness. I want you to know that this was never your fault. I've come to this conclusion on my accord, and don't think for one second that I didn't love everything you did for me." Remus reassured. "You were always good to me. No, you will always be good to me."

Lily put a hand on her forehead, tears threatening to fall. Remus was always the perfect boyfriend to her. No matter what he did, he never failed to make her smile. It was as if the boy of her dreams came and then left, and it made her heart ache.