Thoughts At 12AM

12:01AM

  Well, here we are. After what seemed like forever, we did it. We made it to the finish line. After the amount of tears, and laughs, tantrums and screaming into pillows. We pulled it through, despite of the circumstances. Despite the people we lost, the people we gained, the people we shed tears for, and the people we laughed with. We met some and lost some. But I'm grateful for them, if were not for them I wouldn't have learned what I was needed to learn. Not an ounce of me regrets it. It would be childish of me if I did, because that would mean that I haven't healed from that hurt. And I don't deserve hurt. 

 This life is one hell of a roller-coaster ride. But that's what makes it all the more beautiful. Because you never know what to expect of something, you never know what'll happen. And in some way, I find that comforting. And as well as the idea that nothing in this world is permanent. Not even your happiness nor pain. Because your happiness' high will end. As well as the dread of your pain. And the process repeats every time, it's all in how you handle it is what matters. Nothing, and I mean nothing in this world is permanent. Nothing in mine is. Hell, I won't be. And I've made my peace with that. 

   When you're learning to get through the beginning of your life, everything feels & seems so strange. It's because we don't know what we're fucking doing. We make mistakes along the road, we fall, we cry, we laugh and above all, we move on. We meet someone kiss them and give them a piece of our soul, it's so new and exhilarating because we've never felt this way before. And when the high is over, you don't know to cope. And as much as we don't want to and are afraid to, life won't let you stay buried in a past that wasn't meant to be. Life isn't going to stop you from moving on, it's going to force you to. 

   I used to think life was always on keeping you ground and standing tall against the waves. But the waves were meant to stay there, to teach you that no matter how much you fight it; it's going to take you forward. And that time is you friend when you don't understand how battle hurt. You don't always have to fight every path comes along your way, because despite of what happens, life will continue to thrust you forward into something better or worse. 

  And I had to make my peace with the idea that I can't fight what's happened or what will happen. But here's a word of advice a wise man once said: "Stop worrying so damn much." Because where will that worry take you or lead you? No where. The minute you stop worrying about problems that don't concern you, you can understand peace. And maybe closure. 

  I suppose that's another thing about what life does when it takes you forward. Even if you didn't get the closure you deserved, life & time with substitute one for you. And give you some peace you deserved to move on. Because no matter where you are in your movie of "Life", what mistakes you've carried with you, how many side characters hurt you, you deserve peace. 

  Peace is universal. As well as closure. And trust me, I didn't get my fair share of closure. You have to make your peace with life and accept you won't get the closure you wanted. But the one time and life will give you will give you enough to move on. Isn't that beautiful? 

  And speaking of peace, peace looks different for everyone. As well as the concept of healing. Healing never came with a set of instructions or handbook, and even if it did, every soul won't heal the way it's not meant to. And sometimes you don't how and where to start. And that's understandable, maybe that's because that's how I was. And how I still am. We as souls, go through new eras and phases in our lives. We're not the "New Julie" or the new anyone for that matter. We don't change as souls, we change into new eras. And those eras, we must learn to embrace them as much as we can because before we know it, they'll be gone before we could even say goodbye to them. 

   I always saw myself in Lady Bird. A young girl with box-dyed hair, weird-relationship with her mom, has a passion for art, fell in love with an idiot and made it her dream to move out East. And in some ways, Lady Bird brings me comfort. Aside of the broken arm of course and leaping from a car. But that she knew what her soul wanted from the start and made it her destiny to atleast try. And I'm in the same path too. 

   I have a city with my name written all over it, and her name is Chicago. And she's waiting for me, wind and all. The beauty of knowing I made my dream come true of making it to Chicago. And what's funnier, is that every sign in my life pointed to Chicago. Every childhood movie and even teenage movies I loved all pointed to Chicago. Chicago has my heart, my soul and all I adore. And I've never been there, all the more reason. Because Chicago is my destiny. And just like Lady Bird, I'm going to set my heart out on a city I love more than my own life. 

  Around this time 10 years, I wonder where I would be. What I would look like? How I was? And around that time, the spirit of my child was enjoying her childhood to the fullest. Because that's all she knew. And that's all she deserved. The young girl who could recite the lines of every Disney movie like scripture, cutting her hair with cheap scissors and playing all the toys a young girl could ever have. And that I would be so thankful for her, in every way. For allowing me to protect the spirit of my inner child. That although my psychical form may no longer be there but the soul of her still is. And that I'll always remember her and speak fond of her. 

   I wish I could go back and tell her how much I love her. How much of a prodigy she is, how beautiful she is, how much talent and beauty she holds, and how much spirit she carried in just one smile. And tell her I would protect her with every last breath I have, made sure no one hurt her, made sure no one killed her happiness. And tell her how cool and badass she's gonna be when she grows up. And how much of a difference she made not just in her family, but her community. Being the beautiful hope child she is. And for her to be the main character of her won movie. 

   That all the spotlight is on her and she deserves it. And that she deserves the world. And oh, how much I would look at her young-beautiful face and cherish how much she meant to me. And how beautiful she was. Telling her that she's beyond enough and that her imagination took her so far that it became apart of her soul. And I love her. And spend the last few moments of my childhood with her, holding her hand and telling her that she was supposed to be my first love. And that's going to get rough, but that I'll always be there to guide her along the way. And how exciting it is knowing I'm going to watch her blossom into the beautiful woman she is and her life is beginning. It's a bittersweet goodbye, but I prefer this than no farewell at all. 

   Now I look to my past self for lessons and peace, my present self for comfort and to my future-self for inspiration and hope. And I'll be holding young Julie's hand the whole way through. Because we deserved better and we still do. 

  Season 17 of my life was bizarre but by the end of it, I loved it. No regrets of any kind. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The plot twists and the new characters or settings, I'm here for it. And it's lights, camera, action. I loved my time being the dancing queen. I loved the time I had being the young child I was. And the inner-child in me I won't ever let go. Because as a wise man once sang, "You were only 17. So sweet, with the mean streak." I loved Season 17 of my life. And I sure as hell love being the main character of it. 

   And let me tell you, I am so ready for Season 18's premiere. 

   Ladies and Gentlemen (And Non-Binary Folk) allow me to present to you the song of the night & my childhood...

Cigarette Daydream by Cage The Elephant