Thoughts At 12AM

8:53PM

 So I'm a teenager, right? And I'm allowed to have feelings. And it's cool to cry and and to vent when it's needed and I rarely ever speak of issues. But I wanna be honest and not hide what's in my chest.

 This past week, I've felt invisible. Like when I laugh it's fake. That I have to put on a mask to make others happy and to not bring up questions. And everyone that goes to my school, are making it worse. I knew what I was getting myself into when I made it into highschool. 

  I really don't know how I got to become like this. And I want the old me back. And pressure kicks in like a rush...and it hurts me to know that I lost myself all over again. And what sucks is that when I try to find myself one more time...I lose myself even more. Like I'm running for something that doesn't want to stay. 

  I've come to realize that I am  my worst enemy. That I am at war with myself. That I pulled that trigger, that I am the killer and murderer. I want the old me back...and inside...I want to scream so bad. But I can't...because when I do...nothing happens. 

  And what sucks even more, I don't know what to do anymore. Who to talk to about it. Because let's be honest...who in the hell is gonna understand this? Not that I'm sounding like a edgy-depressed teenager. That not even music can help in this one...that I can't hunt for that lost unrelatable feeling. 

 Sometimes I come home and cry for no fucking reason. And I admit it. Maybe it's like one thing triggers everything and I fall apart. I always wanted to be the tough badass broad that everyone loves. But that was what I imagined myself to be. How I envision to be.  And if you ask me...after awhile, I became the fragile little girl that I always feared to be. 

 But hey...what are girls bathrooms for, am I right? 

   No words right now...just echoes of silence. And after awhile it became my favorite sound. 

Song of the night? 

The Ghost Of You by My Chemical Romance