Thoughts At 12AM

9:20AM

  Hey, guys... Oh, I already KNOW what all of you are thinking. YA THINK? WE DON'T? Please pardon me for not updating in so long. And with quarantine happening and all, it's taken a toll on my mental health. And on my family too.  But we've all learned to punch our mental health's negativity in the gut. And speaking of leaving negativity, I learned to cut out all the negative energy in my life. Whether it be my ex-friends or even myself.  And alot has happened over the span of a year. 

  Well, for starters, I'm a senior in high school now. I know. YUCK. And it's something I've never knew would hit me this hard. After the pandemic cooled down and we were able to come back to class, my history teacher gave us our graduation caps and told us to write ourselves letters. Cheesy and corny, I know. But I had asked her if I could take the letter home. She allowed me to. And that's when it finally sank in...My life is beginning. My life. 

   Not the life my family knew of, or what they thought they did. Not the life friends saw me maybe have. Not the life teachers saw. But mine. That my world isn't small anymore. It isn't just the shitty, scorching hot, rent-high, state. It's so much more now. And to finally realize that I'm not a fucking kid anymore. Because, if you want my honesty, my childhood ended so fucking quickly. That it went by like a damn flash. 

  And those will be days, I won't ever get back. And those will be the days that'll just stay as memories. Memories that when minutes go by as years, will stay in my mind. And I'm completely speechless. To know, that my childhood is gone. And I won't ever get it back. 

   It's truly bittersweet. Knowing that the inner-child in you is still there but the physical form isn't. And although your young self's physical form is not here, the spirit of it is. And that's why I'm going to do myself a kindness & honor to preserve, nurture, care for, and protect the soul of my inner childhood. How does one that? You may ask. Well, it's different for everyone, but for me I'm going to remind myself that I have my past-child self proud. 

That's what she would've wanted. 

  Now, going back to the whole letter-thing. It hit hard knowing that I'm the first in my family to have a much better hope for the future. And I'm getting older. And my soul is starting to discover new things. Isn't that something? Within I learned...to let go. In ways more than one. Let go of an ex-boyfriend, let go of the guy who took my virginity and left, my step-father and grandma and my past self. I look to past for lessons that I've learned, I seek comfort in my present-self, and find inspiration and hope in my future-self. And I think you all should do the same. 

  Other than me graduating, I found a cool summer job and met the most amazing friends. That I will never find if it weren't for that job. I worked at this super cool, free coffee giving place. And I loved it. I'm grateful to have had a chance to be there. I lost my virginity on July 6th. WHAT? YOUNG LADY-  I know, I know what you're thinking. Let me give you this example, ever watch Lady Bird? Oh, my god- Yeah, it was kinda like that but not like that. Hey, atleast I'm not pregnant and STD free. What else happened? I had a boyfriend, we broke up. Obviously. And it wasn't up until he left that I realized that I was in an extremely toxic relationship. And it left me some scars. That I'm still in the process of healing from. 

  And I'm in therapy now. I'm trying for once. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay that I'm atleast trying. My younger would be very proud of me and holding my hand the whole way through. 

  And I have so much more to express to all of you, in the next one. The new era of my life is coming. And I'm open to seeing what it has in store for me. The hurt or the hope. I've been waiting for this era for what feels like forever. And it's almost here. So with that being said, allow me to present you the song of the night. 

   Song of the night?

Getting Older by Billie Eillish 

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