pay you with love ♡ malum (discontinued)

31 ➵ one day later

[Warning: Some triggering stuff? I think, there will be talk about suicide and depression, sorry :(]

We have the ultrasound appointment in twenty minutes; you should get ready so we can be there on time. I really can't wait to see the baby," I said with an excited smile.

It was so unreal to me. Today was the day I could see my baby; our baby.

It was kind of weird since we’d only known about Calum's pregnancy for a couple of days, now, and we could already see the baby - not that I was complaining. I was happy that we didn't have to wait pain-staking months until we could finally see him or her anymore.

"Okay, I'm going to take a shower and then we can go," Calum said and got up, but I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back and onto my lap.

"You want to shower? Baby, that would be your third shower for today and we only have two o'clock."

He just looked at me with a sad smile and shrugged, trying to get up again, but I held onto his wrist, keeping him sitting down.

"Michael, let me go," Calum said, sounding a little nervous, "Please."

"Can you please tell me what's wrong?"

"Let me go, please Michael. I'm begging you. Just let go of my hand," he pleaded, desperation beginning to fill his voice. He looked like he was about to cry, so I let go.

Calum turned around and made his way to the bathroom but I stopped him again. Not by pulling him back, but by simply calling his name.

"Calum, can you please tell me what's wrong?” I asked him gently, trying not to scare him away again. “I don't know what's going on with you, you're acting so weird. Why do you take showers like five times a day? Why can't I hold your hand anymore? Please, just talk to me."

He just stood there for a while, not turning around. After a moment of drawn-out silence, he walked back to the couch and sat down next to me, nervously picking at his nails.

"You can tell me anything, princess. I won't be mad. I just want to know what's going on with you."

He sighed, distressed. "It's just -- I don't feel good about myself anymore... You know I never really liked myself, mostly because of my job and just in general. I started to like me a little when you came into my life. I was insecure but from time to time I felt prettier.”

"But, after what happened, I just feel dirty. I feel all the things I felt about myself when I was still a prostitute. I feel disgusting and that's why I take so many showers. No matter how often I wash myself, I still feel dirty and I can't get rid of it," he explained quietly, eyes downcast.

"Why can't I hold your hand anymore? You're so distant with me, and I feel like you're scared of me -- like when I pulled you back a few minutes ago. It kind of hurts, Calum. I would never hurt you."

I could see tears forming in Calum's eyes, "I know, I'm sorry. I never wanted you to feel like I was scared of you," he took a deep breath, voice thick with borderline tears. "I'm sorry. But every time you touch me all the things that happened to me -- they come back, Michael. His grip was so t-tight and I c-couldn't escape. H-He held me s-so close and --", he let out a small, distressed sob, tears now clearly falling down his cheeks.

I didn't know what to do; how to comfort him. Usually I would hug him, but he just told me what happens when I touched him. It was so horrible to see the person you loved break down in front of you when you couldn't do anything about it.

"I just want it to s-stop. I want to be normal; I want to k-kiss you again w-without being s-scared. I'm not scared of you, M-Michael; I'm just s-scared in general. I'm s-sorry, I t-try my best, but I'm just so scared," Calum could hardly talk through the tears, but he pushed on.