No Regrets, Only Memories

A Revelation Unexpected

Maeve

Crossing the line in P9 was better than I had originally hoped, but still not the thing I needed this week. Parking in the pitlane and seeing Daniel parked in front of the '1' sign to signify that he had won was a welcome site though. I couldn't stop myself as I jumped out of my car and sprinted towards the front of the line of cars to where Daniel was hugging the team after his win. He turned around just in time to see me jumping towards him. I wrapped my arms around his neck the best I could with both of us still in our helmets and my legs around his waist.

"You did it! Mr.Monaco, winner of the 2018 Monaco GP!" I yelled to make sure he could hear it through the two helmets.

"That's right, baby-bee! We did it!" We both screamed together before he let me down and we both went our separate ways.

It felt like being on cloud nine as I waited under the podium with the team. Normally, a win is a win is a win, but Daniel winning Monaco specifically was a big deal. He had earned this before and had it ripped from his grasp. To finally get it was an outstanding accomplishment I wanted to be a part of. Angela gave me permission to temporarily forgo press for this moment and I was more than happy when the sticky alcohol sprayed all over my hair. Daniel leaned over the railing and made sure that some hit the entire team with Andy, who accepted the constructors trophy on behalf of Red Bull.

Then the moment was gone for me as I had to go and do press. A lot of questions were geared towards if they thought I could improve my reaction times to prevent shunting into a wall again. Like everyone thought I was incapable of driving, like I was just here for show. Angela saw me getting a little irritated at the questions and was nice enough to pull me from interviewers that were asking those kinds of questions aggressively.

Daniel took a much longer time than normal to do his press rounds since he won the race. Everyone understood, but no one dared to speak to me as we sat in the room waiting. They could tell I was upset, but they all had to assume the race. No one knew about my past or my struggles with mental health and the team had been plenty ignorant, at least it seemed, to the comments That had steadily increased in frequency about me as a woman in F1. It was a perfect storm to decimate the careful wall I had put up over the years. Instead of trying to ignore it, I did the one thing I knew I could always count on when it came to protecting myself, I blanked. I let my emotions be erased with my mind and body to portray a look of disinterest. I hadn't done this in five years. It probably just looked like the world's worst resting bitch face to everyone at this table based on how they were avoiding me.

Until Christian, Michael, Charlotte, and Daniel entered the room, I had been staring at the table. There were no thoughts going through my head as I slowly looked up to them when they entered the room. It was evident just how abysmal I looked by the way everyone's faces dropped from the smiles of the win to a mix of shock and concern as they stared back at me. In an effort to avoid it and then, I simply stared straight ahead at the monitor with the race info on it as they sat down.

Daniel sat across from me, with his team, and I could see his head peeking around the monitors as I stared straight ahead. With my best effort, I looked at him, meeting his eyes filled with concern. We could have a silent conversation like this usually, it was our way of communicating. But staring into his eyes now, his concern continued to grow as I had no answers for the silent questions he was asking. So I turned back to the screen as Christian was talking about the race.

He went on for an hour about all the positives and the negatives, the positives a much longer list than the negatives. I had no input, I wasn't asked for any either as that wasn't my job this week. Staring still at the screen, straight back and no expression, I waited patiently for the meeting to be over before calmly going to my room with Pyrita and Angela. They were giving me some info about the race and how I did in media, but I didn't reply. Instead, I simply walked into the room and picked up my clothes to shower and change. It was all a blur from there.