Silence

{29.2} The Final Noise

{Aspen's POV}

I stare at him with wide eyes. I couldn't have heard him right, right?

"What do you mean?" I ask with a growing lump in my throat.

The burning pain in my chest isn't helping anything. It's only intensifying with my rapid breathing. He's lying, he cant.

"Aspen. You are a strong, beautiful young woman." He takes my face in both of his hands, making me look at him in the eyes. "Over this year I have grown an attachment to you different than any of our brothers. I hate myself for everything that's happened to you and I will continue to beat myself up until I'm down because that's what I deserve. I deserve more pain than you with everything I've done." I can feel a tear drop roll down my cheek.

"I-"

"Let me speak." He insists softly. "But that mentality gets no one anywhere. I love you Aspen, you're my little sister but I have to go. I have to go and right the wrongs I've done. This isn't meant to hurt you and it's not because of you. This is for me and because of me." He pauses, using the pad of his thumb to wipe my tears away. "I'm going to be honest and tell you that it will be for a long time, but that doesn't mean I'll never see you again. I'll always be watching from a distance to make sure you're safe and okay."

"I- I don't understand."

"You don't have to." He says softly. "I haven't even told our brothers. They won't understand either. But trust me when I tell you this needs to happen, for everyone."

"That's not true. How are you supposed to protect me from afar? Where are you going to go? I don't want you to go." I rush out panicking.

"Listen to me, and listen good. As long as I am alive you will be fine. Getting hurt isn't always going to be avoided, but in times you need I will be there. I know, I don't want to leave either but your happiness does not depend on me. I'm only a human, I'm going to disappoint you and let you down time and time again because that's what I am. It's who I am. You need to get your happiness from within. Every single person, every friend, boyfriend and brother will let you down, make you sad or unhappy. That is why you need to be sure in yourself and never depend fully on anyone. Do you understand me?"

I can't bring myself to speak, I can only nod numbly at him. Maybe his words make sense, but it's all jumbled in my brain and I hate it. I hate this.

"Please Caspian." I try, tears continuing to fall.

"You are strong, you are kind, you are powerful and intelligent. You will be okay. Your brothers will be okay. It will be hard at first, but you will learn to live without me." He pauses, looking at me. "Repeat after me, I am strong."

"I-I am s-"

"No. No stuttering. Be confident." He cuts me off sternly.

"I am strong." I repeat.

"I am intelligent."

"I am intelligent." I repeat, trying to hold in my hiccups.

"I will be okay."

"I will be okay." I repeat.

"Use those sayings. Repeat them to yourself until you believe it because it's all true. On days you find it hard, on days you're extra sad, use those sayings." He says softly. "Be confident in everything you do. Listen to your brothers and be honest with them. About everything. Ambrose will be your guardian."