MAGNETIC [H.S.]

42. what if the gas pedal sticks?

songs:
reckless driving - lizzy mcapline
shoot - tommy lefroy

"Stupid bitch, WHY would you kiss him!? Jesus Christ, I am FUCKED. I am so-"

"Ma'am, are you okay?" A man with sandy blonde hair looked at me with concern from his seat on the hard orange chairs across the subway.

"What!? You've never seen someone talk to themselves on the train!? Are you fucking new here? Leave me alone!" I snapped harsher than I should have, but my nerves were still sparking from the moment in the house.

"Alright then." He put his hands up in surrender and leaned back.

"Shit, sorry. I'm not crazy. Well...no. No, I'm not." I laughed at myself and shook my head softly.

"Yeah, okay." No way in hell that man believed me.

Oh well.

Days later I was still trying to sort out how I was feeling about the unexpected reunion with the love of my life. Every time I thought about the way he looked at me and the way his hand felt against my cheek and his lips felt against my tear-stained lips, my stomach twisted into knots.

I spent days in Rose's bedroom, trying to figure out what I wanted. I talked poor Sebastian's ear off, and he graciously listened to me and gave me smokes, and let me lean my head on his shoulder. A good man through and through, uncomplicated and not full of turmoil. He was a great comfort to me for those few days, and we had a talk that I would remember for the rest of my life.

"I don't know what to do, Bash. He seems like he just wants to wipe the slate clean, throw caution to the wind and dive into this together. I don't think I can do that. I'm so scared of losing myself in him."

"I thought you wanted him to be all in and sure of you guys? Is that kind of enthusiastic commitment not what you're looking for?" Bash wasn't being critical, it was a genuine question that he posed with a raised eyebrow and a long pull of his cigarette.

"If you'd have asked me two months ago I would have said that that's exactly what I wanted, that's what I've always wanted. But now, I'm just scared. I'm so scared that I'll jump in and he'll hurt me again. That there will be another secret, another betrayal, and I'll be the idiot girl who was too in love to see the signs." I rested my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes.

"Has he always been that way with things? Is he the kind of guy that dives headfirst into something when he wants it?" He flicked ash gently toward the cement of the small patio we sat on.

"I don't know. I've never seen him want anything. He did say that them living here wasn't a coincidence though. He implied that he knew I was here and they moved here to be close to me." I squinted into the sun as I leaned back to look at him. We were facing opposite directions, I rested my weight back onto my hands behind me.