Pretending (Westshore Series #1)

Chapter Thirty-Five: Fake Smile

I woke up, and for a few minutes, I forgot. Then my phone buzzes and all of the memories from yesterday come flooding back. I reach out for my phone and touch someone's head by accident.

"What the fuck!" I yell jumping up and switching my lamp on.

The light turns on to show that Abby was in my bed. "Jesus Christ, is this how you wake your guests up?" Abby groans, putting the pillow over her head.

"I'm sorry I forgot." I try to force a laugh, but nothing comes out. I reach for my phone, but she snatches it from me.

"No, no phone today. You don't need to read anything those losers are saying." She sits up in my bed, and the look she gives me makes me think I wasn't looking my best.

So I walk to my bathroom and look at myself, feeling a combination of pride and disgust. It was amazing how I could hate myself so much yet be so proud of my achievements. Those comments weren't about the Juliet standing in front of me. I had to remind myself that I had changed, I was different. And I would never go back.

I could still see my collarbones. My stomach was flat, and the space between my legs was becoming smaller every day. I was different now; I kept repeating to myself. I wouldn't gain the weight back. Except when I look back in the mirror, I look wider; my stomach isn't as flat as it could be. 

How can I stop now? I'm thin, I'm almost there. It's so close I can feel it.

My face was pale, my cheeks hollow. I looked sad. I felt sad. I didn't want to think about him. I had my friends, I had Abby...that was all I needed. I was glad he didn't have to deal with me anymore.

Now he could focus on soccer, they had the big annual Winter Break charity match this weekend against Laurier. He could focus on his training for that. Focus on dealing with his dad. He could focus on his exams without worrying about me. Weight should be lifted off his shoulders. He didn't need to worry about me now.

I had it all under control.

I stepped back into my bedroom. "What about your ski trip?"

"Winston, Adam, Sarah and I were planning on visiting and staying with you and Warner this weekend. Since Adam is playing in the Laurier game with him and we are all invited to the event at his house."

I flinch at his name. I knew Abby had noticed.

"He texted me to come here when I was already on my way. Do you want to talk about it?" Abby's face softens when she sees my hands shaking.

"I ended it."

Abby looks shocked but reels it in. She opens her mouth to speak, considering her words. "Why?"

"I just didn't want him to have to deal with my drama anymore. This Sierra crap, the photos, my insecurities, my-" I stop before I realized what I almost admitted. I was going to say eating disorder.

Abby could sense I didn't want to talk about it, so she just wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tightly. Like she knew I was falling apart.

"He told me he loved me, and I asked him to leave." I sob into her shoulder, letting go of any restraint I had on my emotions. "He's right I am a coward."

Abby just holds me tighter and rubs circles on my back gently with one of her hands as I sob. Confessions begin falling from my lips even though I want to keep them all in, "There's something wrong with me, Abby. How do I stop feeling like this." I cry.

I pull back and see tears falling from Abby's eyes. Great, now I was just burdening her instead of Warner. I needed to stop.

"I'm sorry. You can leave. I know you want to enjoy your winter break. I didn't mean to make you come here." I push off the bed and walk over to my vanity.