Stuck together (teacherxstudent)

Chapter 18

When you are born you open your eyes and the first thing you see is two faces greeting you into the world with their warm smiles and laughter of joy. When they hold you for the first time they promise you to always love you and protect you from all that is bad in the world. They tell you that you're the most perfect little thing they've ever seen, that they'll do anything to make you happy. They lose sleep to make sure you're safe and sound. They buy you all the toys in the world because you once so cutely giggled when they gave you a stuffed teddy bear and now they'll do anything to see that tiny face smile again. They show everyone your picture because they just became parents and they want the whole world to know how adorable their little baby is. They slowly rock you back and forth to calm you down and whisper in your ear how no one will ever hurt you as long as they are here.

Then you grow older and you realize that suddenly they don't hold you anymore. Maybe every now and then they give you a hug, but not too many because then you're too clingy. You were once seen as their perfect little girl but now you're annoying and you never behave accordingly. They bought you all the toys in the world and now you're just hoping that you get a birthday present this year. They used to show your photo to everyone but now you've been replaced by the dog. Everybody loves that puppy. They said they'd protect you from the world but the first blow to the head came from them. The first time you felt unsafe was when father came into your bedroom. The first time you were hurt is when they did the hurting. They said they would do anything to make you happy but they are the reason you haven't smiled in over a year.

How do you deal with that? How do you handle the fact that the people you have loved your whole life and who claimed to love you just the same hurt you more than you ever deemed possible? How do you keep going if the only love you've ever known equals the greatest pain you've ever felt?

•

I had spent the last few days thinking about all the things I had done. All the things I said. I knew I had been mean and unfair to the people around me, I just wasn't aware of the fact that they cared about me enough to the point my behavior worried them. I thought it would've pushed everyone away and left me by myself but it turned out I was wrong.

Ms. Porter was the one who made me realize that. I knew it was strange and maybe a little unusual, but her harsh and honest words were the only ones that were able to make me think about the way I had become.

I hated sympathy. I hated it because I wasn't some sad sob story. I wasn't the things that happened to me and sympathy only made me feel like I was. Ms. Porter was the only one who eventually talked to me like a person and told me the reality of the path I was drifting towards.

Sometimes I'd think of us as being fire and water. Her being the water, me being the fire. She seemed to be the only one able to dim the flames that sometimes rose from my anger, ready to destroy everything in sight.

It was 8am and the girls and I were seated for breakfast. I hadn't talked much with them. I only really spoke with Allie. I was nervous. I never knew how to come back from what I saw as a mental blackout.

"So, how is detention treating you, Iz?" Hazel asked in attempt to make conversation.

"Meh." I sighed. "It's boring really."

She smiled and continued eating her breakfast. I couldn't stand the awkwardness anymore so I decided to finally say something.

"Look guys, Chelsea especially. I'm so so sorry how I've been lately, and sorry for how I might've treated you." I cleared my throat. "I was in a really bad place and I'm not good at controlling my emotions at all. I've felt so bad for the past few days about the way I've acted, so I just wanted to say I'm sorry."