Stuck together (teacherxstudent)

Chapter 19

"Al, this would look so cute in our room." I pointed at a tiny Christmas tree with lights already twinkling inside of it.

"Yes! It would look so cute on the windowsill."

"Should we get it?" I grinned.

"Hmm. How much is it?" She asked.

"25 pounds."

"Sure, why not." She smiled.

"And the little Santa claus?" I pointed at the doll next to tree.

"I want to but the 15 pounds on my bank account are saying no." Allie said.

"It's fine, I'll pay."

"No, you don't have to. You're way too generous with your money."

"Well, I'm getting it anyway." The only perks of my grandparents dying was the shitload of money I inhereted from them.

"You're so stubborn." She laughed.

"You know it baby." I winked.

"Ohh, guys!" Hazel squealed out of excitement. "We should do secret santa this year!"

"Yes yes yes!" Chelsea yelled.

"Oh you genius." I said.

"I want Hazel." Allie grinned.

"That's not how it works." Hazel and I both laughed.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes. "You don't know what you're missing H."

"Hey, wait!" She shouted. "You can still give me a present."

"Too late." Allie chuckled.

"You can't do that to me."

"Oh, I just did."

I watched as they went back and forth and laughed. They were both crushing on one another so obviously and they didn't have a clue in the world.

"Let's get together tonight and plan everything out, okay?" I suggested.

"Sounds good." They replied.

I was having the most fun day with my friends. If anything I could really use the distraction. I hadn't felt like myself lately. I had barely felt like a person, but today had finally felt like a normal day and normal was all I wanted right now.

•

The girls and I spent the rest of the evening hanging out, watching Christmas movies and we each picked someone for Secret Santa. I picked Hazel and even though I'm sure Allie would love to be in my place right now I was glad I picked her. I had some cute ideas that I was sure she'd love.

•

I couldn't sleep. My mind was drifting off to places I didn't want to go to. It was hard shutting your mind off. I didn't know how to.

I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started writing. Even though I didn't think it would help me, I still wanted to try and follow Adrianna's advice. It couldn't hurt to write, right?

I wrote the first words down on paper and before I knew it sentences started to form and the stream of thoughts stuck in my head appeared on the paper in front of me.

I hate him. I hate him more than I hate myself and I experience an awful lot of self hate. I love him. I love him just as much as I love myself and I don't love myself too much, but I do sometimes when I think I'm worthy of loving myself. I hate him because he took so many things from me. I was never able to lose my virginity to someone special, someone I chose. He took that from me. I didn't get to enjoy my childhood like most kids could. I didn't play outside with the neighborhood children, I didn't play house with my friends, I didn't play in the sand, I didn't go swimming. He took that from me. I let people be abusive to me because he taught me that. I couldn't be loved properly. He did that to me.