𝖿𝖺𝗋 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗒 - 𝖼.𝗒

♥︎♡ ! >﹏< 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝟰𝟳 !

there's tension in the car for the entire ride home. there's no music, no radio, no talking, no nothing. just this deadly tension. is it bad that my pride is stopping me from talking to him first? i just feel like it would be the decent thing to do for him to speak to me first. if i was in his place, i immediately would have been reassuring and telling him that hooking up with my ex meant nothing and that it doesn't change anything between us. but he's put in no effort at all, so i'm mad. he's getting the silent treatment until he decides to quit the stupid mind games and talk to me about what happened. or what's going to happen. or just anything, for that matter.

he pulls into the driveway and instantly gets out, slamming the door. he's slamming doors now? brilliant. i get out, closing the door, and he locks the car the split second after, not even looking at me. he heads for the door and leaves it open for me as he goes straight upstairs. oh screw it. screw my pride. i'm fed up and i'm going to say something.

i follow him up the stairs.

"yeonjun." i say.

he doesn't even turn around.

"yeonjun! why are you ignoring me?" i say, marching across the landing after him.

then he just slams his bedroom door in my face.

i blink, frozen for a second. what the fuck? i stand there for a few seconds, not having a clue what to do with myself. "why don't you talk to me?" i say quietly to myself, knowing it's too quiet for him to hear. i slowly turn around, hoping that he'll snap out of it, open the door and catch me before i can leave. but of course, he doesn't.

i push open my bedroom door, dump down my bag, and sink onto my bed, staring at the wall. what did i do? did i upset him? did i hurt him? what, is he bored of me? is he suddenly not interested in me? does he not care? am i not good enough? i've tried so hard to be good to him, and it seemed to be going in the right direction. why is he suddenly blocking me out? is there something wrong with me? can he not make his mind up? the mixed signals he's been giving me since i arrived are unbelievable. is he just playing around with me out of boredom? am i just a distraction from everything that's going on with him? am i nothing to him?

my eyes shift to the wardrobe, which is sort of open. i notice something at the back that i hadn't noticed before. it looks like a keyboard. my curiosity carries me towards it, and i lift it out before dropping it down onto the springy mattress. i haven't played pn a keyboard in years. i remember dad teaching me a few songs when i was younger, but i was more into guitar than piano, so i never really learnt how to play properly.

i switch it on, turning the volume low before gently pressing down on two of the keys, playing a simple chord. i never played it enough to know what all the chords were or even which note is which. but i have a musical ear, which i can use to my advantage.

i slowly sit down on the bed, kicking off my shoes and sitting cross legged in front of it. i press down the keys of the chord again, and then switch to an ever so slightly lower chord. it's simple. it's sweet. yet sort of somehow...sad. i continue to improvise with the notes, and softly hum slightly to it. then, quietly, i just gently sing the first words that come to my head. i try to improvise, making it sound as nice as possible for something that i'm literally making up on the spot.

am i just nothing now

am i just a little toy

just his simple distraction

to push around and destroy

does he enjoy playing tricks on me

like turning sparks into flames

does he like vexed mixed signals

and the fucking mind games

i stop playing for a second, realising this is probably just going to make me more upset. the more i sing, the more emotion i'm feeding, and the worse i feel. but then i remember how my dad used to say that he found relief in writing his songs. he used to say once his feelings were out there and sad, he felt. better, like a weight off his shoulder. people say speaking about things makes you feel better, but i don't really want to speak to anyone. i guess speaking to myself, but making a song out of it is the next best thing.

i realise that i like the chord progression i've come up with, so decide to go onto voice memos and hit the red button to keep a record of the sound i'm making. i go again, singing from the beginning softly, quietly, slowly, making sure i can't be heard by anyone. after about forty seconds, i end the recording. i'll be honest - i don't feel much better. i still feel hurt and vulnerable, like i've just been stuck in a situation that i can't escape. i feel so out of control. nothing i do can change anything. there's no point talking to yeonjun - he's not going to respond. i don't want to even address the beomgyu situation - i'm just fed up with the drama. there's no point in doing anything. this whole trip could be ripped away from me in an instant. the power is all in elena's hands and i hate it.

should i just own up to it? should i just go home?

yeonjun has turned bitter, elena is threatening me, beomgyu has treated me like shit, and i want to go home. i feel on edge constantly when i'm here because it's not my own home. i just want the comfort of my own bed, and my own family. i miss my family.

i look back to the keyboard, thinking about my dad. i think about being sat on his lap as he patiently taught me my first ever song on the piano. he wrote both chaeyoung and i our own little lullaby each when we were little. i don't really remember the words, but the tune i can remember vividly. i ever so slightly hum along, playing the lullaby gently to myself, and am hit with all of this heart-breaking emotion. i'm overwhelmed by this pain in my chest, wishing more than anything that my dad could still be here. why did he have to die? everything just really sucks right now, and whenever i had a bad day, he would give me the warmest hugs. he'd make me a hot chocolate, with five mini marshmallows floating at the top. he wouldn't leave my side until he made me smile, and he never failed. he was honestly my everything. i would give everything i have to see him again, and have him pull me into his warm arms again, feeling his beating heart close to mine. you never know when it's the last time you're going to hold someone. i hope i held on tight.

i wipe a tear from my cheek, and i look to the sky out of the window. i wonder if he's up there.

"can you see me, dad?" i ask quietly. i sniff, wiping another tear.

what am i doing? why am i getting so upset over such ridiculous things? it's nothing but stupid, petty, school drama. all i have to do is turn myself in and i can leave it all behind. i can just go home.