Ricky Noir
Mandy is on the phone with Nico. Theo will not stop rambling, and Razzle and I are sitting beside each other, both silent and I'm counting the floor tiles.
"It's Alice," says Theo. "It's Alice. She'll be okay, she's always okay." I wish I could believe it but I can't, they got to her too late. I just know that she's gone.
Theo, I wanna say, She died in my arms, she's gone.
I can't stand waiting here, this is unbearable. I just feel so lost, so numb and gone. I miss her. I just miss her.
A nurse is walking up to us, maybe she's a doctor or a surgeon, I don't really know and it doesn't matter because they all deliver bad news and that's exactly what we are getting. Everyone can tell by the look on her face, "I'm so-"
"Can we just see her?" Razzle cuts her off completely, not wanting to hear whatever apology she's gonna spill out. "We already know. We just want to see her, say goodbye."
"I'm so sorry for your loss." She says and she's probably said it a thousand times. "And unfortunately due to the condition she's in, at this time only immediate family members can see her."
Theo is first to go, "I'm her cousin." He says and walks straight past her.
The nurse looks at me. "I'm her husband," I tell her and her face completely falls. It's unprofessional and there's more horrible news to come but she holds her tongue, nods and leads me to Alice's room.
Theo is at her bedside and he's wailing. I stand at the doorway silently as a tear falls down my cheek. He's talking to Alice but I'm drowning everything out, I'm not trying to, It's just happening, everything is happening.
The nurse is now standing in front of me, she's waving her hand in front of my face in attempt to get my attention. I blink, "y-yeah?"
"I know this is an extremely difficult time for you, Mr. Avery. However, Mrs. Avery is relying on life support. She cannot survive on her own, your wife is brain dead. Just- A decision needs to be made here."
I want to tell her to fuck off. I know how these things go, I know how this is going to end. "Mr. Ave-"
"For fucks sake just give me a minute." I snap and her mouth shuts. I leave her and walk over to Theo and put my hand on his shoulder. "Theo-"
"No," he says. "I c-can't leave her."
"Theo," I say again. "She's gone. She's gone."
"She can't be," Theo cried and he's holding onto her face and staring at her. "Wake up, Alice. Wake up!"
"Theo!" He finally looks at me through bloodshot eyes. "We have to let her go."
He looks back to Alice in her hospital bed. His shaken hands hold onto her and he puts his head down on the bed. "I'm so sorry," I hear him muffle. Theo stands up and keeps his eyes on Alice until he walks out of the room. It's her and I now, the nurse has left and I'm here in this silent room about to say a permanent goodbye to the woman I love.
I'm sitting in the hospital chair with my face in my hands and I'm just looking at her. She's really gone. She's here but she's not. She's gone. She's dead. I'm crying, I'm shaking, I can't breathe, my heart is breaking inside of my chest and I can feel it.
I lift her hand and it's dead weight, I hold her hand and I bring it to my lips. "Alice," I whisper. "Alice. Hear me, please." My tears fall onto her pale skin. "Come back to me. Alice, come back. I need you. I can't- I can't do this without you." I can speak to her all I want but nothing will come of it. I will never hear her voice again. I hold her cheeks in my hands and kiss her forehead. "I love you, forever."
It ruins me to see her, to leave her, to walk away from her, to say goodbye when I know that I'm never going to see her again. I'm standing in the hallway now, rubbing my tear-filled eyes. I can see the same nurse approaching me again. "Mr. Avery?"
I let out a big sign, "what?"
Her face is filled with regret. "There is something I need to discuss with you. You may need to sit down."
"Listen, I know she's gone, we all know she's gone. So whatever you ha-"
"Sir," she intrudes. "Sit down, please."
My eyebrows furrow and I pause for a second, confused. Despite my desire to walk out of this building right now, I take a seat in a chair outside of Alice's room.
She's fidgeting with her fingers. This isn't good. "Mr. Avery, when your wife came into the ER, we um-"
"Spit it out," I grit.
She doesn't reply and takes a deep breathe instead. Her eyes close and she huffs. "Mr. Avery, your wife was pregnant when she came in. Unfortunately she miscarried in the middle of the surgery. I'm very sorry for your loss, sir."
"What? No, that's imposs-"
"She was very early on in her pregnancy. It's very possible despite all the protection you may have used."
I cover my face with my hands. If she was still alive, if only. Alice and I would've had a family. I should've never let her get on the road tonight.
I stand abruptly and walk away from her. When I get to the waiting rom I don't spare a glance to anyone. I walk out of the hospital door, into the rain and I collapse. Alice is dead, she was killed and she was pregnant with my baby. My family is gone, everyone I love.
Razzle has his arms around me and he's talking to me but I can't hear him, I can't hear anything. I'm just waiting to wake up from this. This can't be real, it just can't be. She can't be gone, after everything. She can't just be gone. It's too soon, too early. There was so much she wanted to do, so much we wanted to do. Now she's gone, I don't have her anymore and I never will again. I'm screaming now and I wish she was here, I need her here, I need her. How can I go on? Is it even an option? I'll never love again.
