Hating You to Love Me

8. Alex

I laid there on my bed, still. Afraid that if I pulled away, it'd be back to normal. She'd wake up and push me away. The small crack that had appeared on the metal walls would be fixed in a split second.
My heart pounded in my chest as I breathed her scent. The peachiness of everything about her scent to the soft velvety skin of hers, made me nervous somehow.

What I had just witnessed left me thinking, did I really hurt her that bad. I knew what she had come from and what she didn't want to be. I was well aware that the words that she said, half of it was just the past and emotions she always holds in. The smile on her face every-time she's ignored or treated imprudently. But despite being strong, she was still so fragile.

"Why are you so afraid of me? You make me realise how bad of a person I am. This guilt, I can't take it Ashley when I know you deserve the hate I give you." I muttered. Hoping she could hear me when I knew she was fast asleep.

The scenes of her curling up, pushing me away, tears rolling from her eyes and that red nose. It made me feel angered, I wish I could take that away. I hated seeing her that way and yet I felt satisfied that I had cracked her shell a little. The way she snuggled closer and cried, it pierced my heart. But I hated when she said she was afraid of me. What was she afraid of? I really wanted to know.

I gently created a little distance between us. Her head resting on my arm and I stared at her face. She was asleep but somehow it was the first time I wanted her to not be. I wanted to listen to her rant cause once again I knew that she held onto half of what she felt.

"Damn Nicotine, you'd ruin my nights like this." I whispered to her. If she knew what I meant, maybe she'd hate me a little less. If she knew how she ruins my day by being on my mind all the time, she'd not have taken offence to what I said. How could she expect me to sleepy with the thoughts of her body next to me, pressed into me, just like then.

Her hand holding onto my t-shirt was so overwhelming. My heart paced when my mind drifted to the touch of it on my bare chest. Fuck no! I sighed and turned on my back, looking at the ceiling. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at her face because I knew I'd end up looking at her lips and now that I knew what they felt like, I'd be fucked.

"Ashley you bitch." I muttered under my breath and a smile bloomed on my face, very subtle.
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I woke up on time. I wasn't running late but the first thing that happened that morning wasn't easy to survive. Ashley hugging me to sleep was both the worst and the best way I could wake up. Her legs brushing mine as she adjusted herself, fast asleep. I breathed a sharp breath as I felt currents running down my body.

The morning hardness ans the torture wasn't a good thing. I pulled my arm from her grasp as I cursed her under my breath. Fuck she made me do that early in the morning, even the sunrise hadn't hit. I sighed as I succeeded to get away. She tossed before she turned around pushing one of her legs up showing her beautiful peach. "Focus Alex, it's so early." I shook my head as I walked inside the bathroom.

After I was dressed and had packed for my trip, I cleaned the room. I hated mess. Also a reason why I hated Ashley, she was the definition of mess, from her workspace to her emotions. She. Was. A. Mess. See, the cycles of my thoughts always ended on her and that was why she was frustrating.

I was reminded she was sensitive. I had seen my mother and my older go through their menses and I knew it was tough. I put the heating pad on the bed along with some medicine. I wouldn't be here for the day so that was all I could do. Maybe it'd add up to the apology for last night. I was rude to her and I felt sorry even though I wasn't the only reason she cried.

I made sure I didn't disturb her as I left the room silently. I headed downstairs and I wasn't surprised to see grandma dressed in leather jacket and jeans. "Ooh, still hot." I commented and she rolled her eyes.

She threw a gun towards me. I caught it, looking down at a gold plated G-18. A small smile was plastered on my face as I put it inside my jacket. "Shooting range is my favourite place." I winked at her and she nodded.

"But before that, we have something more important to attend." She smiled.
"And what Is that?" I deep down knew what it was. How could I forget?
"We have to go visit your grandfather on his bday to the graveyard." She sighed and her smile dropped for a mili second. "I bought roses for him from the market. Still fresh."

"He adored roses. Thanks to him It's easier to hit on girls." I smiled at the faint memory on the back of my head.

She walked to me. "He adored you of the most things. His last words were for me to never look down on you because he believed in you." Her words hitting my chest. Her statement made me recall Every-time I haven't believed in myself and that was all my life. I gulped hard, trying not to make the sadness evident on my face.

Her hand caressed my arm. "Let's get going." She patted my back once before she made her way outside. I took a deep breath before putting up a smile on my face. This was not the first time I had put up a brave front.
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I kneeled down, placing Roses on the cleanest grave. It symbolised how often grandma visited it and how she kept it clean, as always. I looked back at her. She was standing there. "I will give you both some space." I heard her mutter before she walked away.

I sighed and squatted down, crossing my legs. "Damn, I must have missed you. I am getting all teary." I smiled as I let a tear slip down my eyes, closing them. The warmth of a tear was a luck. I didn't remember the last time I cried.

I caressed the gravestone with my fingers. "You know grandpa, it's so messed up in my head. I don't understand myself anymore, I am not me anymore. I want to let go of all that is on the back of my head but it hurts to let go. I am afraid to let it go because I know if I do, there would be nothing I'd have to entertain myself, motivate myself." I let it out, the truth. The weight on my chest was as if lifted.

Tears rolled down my eyes. My lips quivered and I sat there letting things out. When was it my turn to be happy? When would there be a time I could have someone to hug when I needed them. Sounded depressing and cliche enough but the thoughts were running my head.

I really wanted to hug my grandfather and I couldn't. It all made it worse. Even when he was not there, I felt like he was. I wished he had lived long enough. I wished it deeply. I sniffed, getting a hold on myself, my emotions.

I felt grandma standing behind me as she pulled me in her arms. "Darling, why are you even holding onto those emotions? What do you want to let go? I will help you." She smiled and I scoffed in response. "Privacy policy breached." I remind her and she smacked the back of my head.

"Because I know you want to see me too happy to be sharing your sorrows. But I am always there like I was, and if you don't have him, you have his wife." She smiled and I wondered how could she talking about her dead husband. It took courage to conceal the sadness, didn't it? Or was she fighting it?

"How do you do this? Be happy even when you are alone." I asked her. And she laughed in response stepping back and gesturing me to get up. I did and we both started walking away from the grave.

"It's a simple secret. You have to hurt in order to love. The same way, you have to ache in order to heal. I just learnt to feel the burn, pain to let it go forever and not get in the way of my happiness." She said and it seeped my skin. Her words, went straight to my heart. I realised how much of a coward I was, I was afraid of the pain, I was scared of it hurting me when all it took was the hurting part.

She looked at me. "Don't tell me you haven't shared this with Ashley." And I sighed, looking away.
"I did and that's why I feel way better than I used to. I am happier now." I lied, again. Ashley knew nothing. Maybe she did but I had no idea.

She sighed. "I won't force you. You know better, but maybe learn to trust her a little more, she is worth it." She stepped up her pace walking in front of me. How do I tell her the Ashley she wanted me to trust was the same person who made me think doubt my every decision.