Hating You to Love Me

25. Alex

I felt my body completely relaxing to Ashley's warmth. My heart was melting inside me, warning me about the destroyed walls. I couldn't fall asleep but having her next to me did the Job of an antidote. I didn't know I needed it until I had had it.

I stroked her hair, whispering under my breath," I didn't want you to fall sick along with me peach, but you're annoying as fuck." I kissed the top of her head before I shut my eyes.

She made me want to live, to let my sorrows go, to not give up on us. She made me wanting to love her, wanting to touch her, to be by her side every second of the day and it all felt so wrong but so right.

When I met her at my office and pushed her away for the first time, It was tough. It was heart wrenching, I was mad at myself but that day I had promised myself I won't love her again.
But did I ever stop loving her? No, I didn't. I knew the truth but I was too afraid to accept it. Too afraid I'd be disappointed again.

I remembered clearly when I had received her letter she had written to me in the basement. I subconsciously pulled her closer when I thought of it. The thought of that basement scared me because it ruined me, completely. My childhood, I didn't want to remember it and I didn't some part of it. All the happy memories were way too blur for me.

"I won't be irresponsible again. I won't overreact again. I won't cheat on my test again. I won't play more than 1 hour. I won't eat sweets. I won't sleep with mommy. I won't make Elena  cry. I won't cry like a girl.." I stopped. I was reading heading of every page of journal I had  as a kid. And I had just realised, everything that made a child a child were forbidden for me. I was punished for the same. 

What kind of life was I living as a kid? I gulped at the thought. I had this dim light hanging over my head. I had no one but myself here. It'd been many years since I had been in the basement and I was having a panic attack thinking of the six months I'd spent there. 

I felt my breathing getting sharper. I couldn't breath. I felt my lungs tighten. I couldn't think straight. I had no emergency button to reach out to my therapist, I had nothing. I inhaled a deep breath and in that exact moment I heard someone knock on the door. It scared me at first but then I heard a familiar whisper like voice. The voice I was craving to hear. It was Ashley.

I hurried to the door, stumbling. I didn't answer her but I heard her say the words I had always wanted to hear. "Always remember I am waiting for you Alex." She paused. "I promise to write you a letter every day from now on. I promise, you won't be lonely there. And If I ever get caught, just know I will always be waiting."
I heard her voice and tears rolled down my eyes. I was too afraid to talk back.

And then I felt the paper poking my skin. "I know you are there. I love you." I heard her as I pulled the letter. I wished I could hold her hand, I prayed but I couldn't. I heard the faint footsteps before they vanished into the empty sound again. My heart skipped a million beats. No one had ever done something like that for me except Elena. Why did It feel so good? Why did It hurt so bad?
I opened the letter, as I started reading it.

"Dear Alex,
I had no idea about your traumas and I suppose this is one of them. We didn't reach that point in our relationship where we could discuss our past this deep. And I am sorry, I know you are doing this for me, us. I just want you to know, you are not alone in there. To me, this world feels like an empty basement without you. I wish I could cross this door and run to you and hug you, kiss you. I want to let you know, that I am waiting. And I promise, I will never let that happen to us again. I am guilty and regretful, it was my fault, I admit. But please know that I love you. You're the only one I loved, and will love. There is no day I'd forget about you. I will write you these letters as long as I could, everything I want you to know. For now, Elena is not here, I am tired of crying and missing you both. Stay strong Alex, Elena's kid would be proud of you too. You can also write a book by the way, about us, if you are so free. I'd love to read it. (Giggles).