Hating You to Love Me

35. Ashley

I felt my anxiety kicking in as I waited in my therapist's living room. I heard her stepping out of the bathroom. I smiled at her and she returned it with ease. "I see you're still having a bad time with your anxiety." She assessed me as she came and sat across the table.

I modded my head. "I am nervous because you're moving and this is my last session with you. Would I be fine? Am I fine? I don't get hallucinations anymore but I still Miss Alex. I can't stop thinking about him at nights. Not always but sometimes. I had a hallucination the other day... I was with a friend at a cafe and I am scared .. I might relapse. I don't want to.."

She chuckled. "What did you even learn Ashley? I told you not to overthink anything because I know you are going to be fine. Moreover, Harry will take care of you for me while I am gone. I instructed him, so you can tell him anything you want. Hm?" She assured me and I smiled.

"Have some faith in yourself Ashley. For Alex?" She said and I chuckled. "You remind me of him more than my own thoughts." I scoffed and she rolled her eyes.

"Well then, let's do one last exercise. Until Alex returns as you say, your only focus has to be you. For now, fuck Alex, fuck everything. Focus on yourself for improving you, healing yourself. And these are words of a friend, not of a therapist." She looked at me with so much love. I nodded my head.

"I will miss you." I muttered.
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A week later,
"Not this Cafe, Harry. I.." I paused. I had so many memories with Alex. I sighed. Harry passed me a side eye look.
"I literally dropped my wife at the salon so that I could have a session with you missy, mom would kill me so better not act choosy."

I sighed and we walked inside. We settled and after ordering some food, we begun with a normal conversation where Harry just complained about his wife and I laughed.
"So you still think about Alex?" He asked.

My smile dropped for a millisecond. I did, every second. I didn't even have to think of him, he was there inside me. I didn't have to try, on the back of my head it was always him. Why? Because I loved him but If I told him, he'd be mad. I remembered his mother's words.

I lifted my eyes up, taking my time. I saw a silhouette and it looked at me. The face was so familiar, everything about it. The look in those eyes. He looked weak, Alex. My favourite t-shirt. My heart skipped a beat. I knew it. It returned, the hallucinations.

"Nah, Fuck Alex, fuck everything. At this point I don't care anymore. I have you now. It was all a phase and it has passed. I'd rather die than waste another thought on him. Stop mentioning his name." I frowned feeling uneasy. My heart-rate picked up. Was I hallucinating again? I blinked as I tapped my feet on the ground.

I looked up again and it was still there. Why did he look upset? I gulped and looked down.
"Are you okay Ashley?" Harry asked.

"I am.. I.. excuse me." I said as I got up, I saw the silhouette leaving. I hurried towards the wooden framing. No one was there but it wasn't just a hallucination. I didn't know why, I felt uneasy. I took a deep breath as I walked to the restroom.

A single tear slipped from my eye. "Seriously Alex. Why do I miss you so much. It's been six months just fucking come and take me away you.." I muttered under my breath looking at myself in the mirror. "No.. no.. I can't.. I have to focus on myself.. I'd.. love myself for now." I took a deep breath and I tried to smile but failed miserably.