Hating You to Love Me

13. Ashley

I walked closer to the kitchen and yet there was no one, I looked around and I found a door which was wide open. I walked inside and it was a beautiful small hallway leading to another door which was also ajar. I could hear a loud sound of the happy birthday song. The voice was too familiar. I walked inside and I saw a huge wall screen, playing on it was a chaotic video.

My eyes darted to the sofa, Alex was there sitting on one corner. I knocked but he didn't hear. I walked inside as my eyes turned back to the screen. Elena's birthday. How could I forget those happy memories which I wished would return as reality but I had no hope. My eyes watered as I saw myself hugging her as Alex kissed her head and passed me a slow smile. Another wash of memories. We were young and so much better than we were now.

I walked closer until my foot hit the sofa. Alex still didn't look at me. I finally took a seat on one end of the sofa. My heart ached as I smiled gently. Me and Elena bickering and she kissed my cheek. We were all dressed up. Our other friends cheered as we stood there cutting the cake. Alex was next to me, now and then. But what changed? Everything did. At that time I was in love with him, even now I was. What changed? Everything.

A tear slipped down my eyes as I stared at the glimpse of our beautiful past. A glimpse of the time when not everything was a mess. I looked at Alex, still the same yet so different. I turned my head towards him, he looked back at me and for the first time he had an emotion on his face, pain.

"How did we end up here Alex?" I asked. He smiled lightly. More like mocking me. I took a deep breath wiping the empty tears away from my eyes. I looked back on the screen as I leaned against the sofa.

"You know the first time we kissed Ashley?" He said but I didn't answer, I did not want to. "That was when I hoped for something different and beautiful from you, but I was wrong. You were different, but a disaster and the biggest mistake I made." He said and my heart seared.

My fists curled on my sides. "I also hoped I'd see more than an asshole in you but I did, a worse stubborn asshole who hasn't even given me a chance to explain anything in all these years." I said as I looked at him. He scoffed.

"Oh yea, right Ashley, if you ever see me more than that, maybe in another life because in this one you don't deserve the love I ever had for you." He said instantly and paused. My heart skipped a beat. Did he just say he loved me? Back then. Of course he did, why would he kiss me, make me smile, take me out on dates for two years before it all went downhill. Why? Because we were in love.

I nodded my head. "I don't want to see the love you had for me cause I.... I never felt it Alex. If you even liked me, You'd hear me out, understand me and forgive me! But you decided to torture me with your presence for three years! Making me work with you and yet you reminded me how I ruined your days. Like I didn't already know Alex, I know! It's not easy to carry this weight with me! I die everyday but you don't care at all." I said it finally. I felt better but so much vulnerable.

"I hate you and it won't ever change." He said and my heart skipped a beat. My eyes stung as I looked at him as the music slowed and came to a stop.
"I might as well leave then. What am I even doing here acting as your girlfriend? I do not deserve to be treated like this and will not be. You would come and ask me to stay but I won't come back here and have you torture me every chance you get Alex!"

"Please leave, Every passing minute I realise that it was the worst idea ever. How could I think of a cheater like you to be my girlfriend when you literally was caught red handed fuck..." his voice trailed off. Not again. I got up as I ran outside. I saw Rachel entering the house but I didn't care. I wouldn't.

She called me but I didn't even spare her a look, cause If I did, I'd be too overwhelmed to tell her the whole truth. I walked to my room, locking it. I leaned against it as I let my numbness wash over me. I hated what was going to take over me, I hated I was going to turn into this self sabotaging bitch. I hated when I could no longer cry but fee pain 24-7. I hated when I could not let this go and I will not. I want it to remind me how bad I had hurt him, now I was going to hurt Rachel. I was going to do it nevertheless. I quickly pulled my suitcase, throwing everything from the closet in.