Hating You to Love Me

10. Alex

I really didn't know if something was wrong with her or if something was wrong with me. All I knew was that I had let my guard down for that one particular night. I was happy and definitely didn't want to ruin my whole day in a snap. She seemed nicer than usual. She did care about how my day was and it made me feel awfully good.

I stayed there, so close to her. I was fighting the urge to pull her in my arms and sleep because I needed a pillow, and a warm-breathing one and she was the only hope in the whole house. "Won't you tell me now?" I asked her again, staying just a mere inch away from her face.

She didn't budge but her face screamed how flushed she was. Her tongue once again glided on those lips. Fuckkkk! Mine would be smoother for sure. I snapped my eyes back to her eyes and she finally said something.  "It was a good day. And guess why?" There seemed to be a weird excitement in her voice.

"Because you got alone time, away from me?" I raised a brow slightly, adjusting my head. That was the only thing that came to my head. And I saw a frown, signifying how wrong I was. Was that not the reason? She wasn't happy because she was away from me? I was just overthinking.

"No, wrong. It was actually boring not arguing with you all day but what made this day good, was writing. I felt passion inside of me, like I felt all those years ago. I thought it faded away and yet for some reason, I couldn't resist myself to write. I wanted to write about anything, I was so desperate I could even write about you." She tucked at her lower lip as she said all those words.

My eyes focusing on her face expressions which kept changing from time to time. And then there came her words, each one filling my head, making it difficult to understand her. She wanted to write about me? Maybe she did all the time, like I did, about her but only in the times when I couldn't stop thinking about her.

"You write about me often, don't you?" I felt her gulp lightly and her eyes staring deeply in mine. We were closer than we should have. But maybe it was all we ever needed to distract ourselves from overwhelming emotions on the back of our heads. I wanted her to be closer, just like she was the night before.

I wanted to snuggle bad but would I sound too desperate? I wanted her in many ways and physically was the last thing in my head. Yet she was there hesitant to answer a simple question which wasn't so simple.

"Not often, rarely." She looked down as her hand caressed the small valley the blanket made with the distance between us.
"So you do write about me. Hm?" I reached for her hand, making her look up at me. My hand slowly engulfing hers with warmth. She stared at me blankly for a few seconds and her cheeks turned crimson red. Under the light from the lamp, I could see it clearly.

"Leave it, tell me about what you wrote today." I said, keeping my hand on hers as if I didn't just purposely make this move. She sighed before she looked up at the ceiling. "It was just a new and a weird idea. Something different from what I usually write. The story about a girl who isn't afraid to express her love and a guy who reluctantly accepts it because he needed her for something. And amidst the process he falls for her. Pretending to love her until he loves her." She smiled lightly and I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Where did you get this idea from?" I asked, sleep seeping in my eyes and she turned her head to me, shrugging lightly. I sighed failing to not glance at her lips. Fucking tempting!

"Ashley, I am sorry but I need a favour." I gulped lightly as I put my hand on her waist pulling her closer. She gasped gently and before I could think, my body took control and I leaned down until my lips met her. I felt her hands clutching my shirt. I kissed her as the velvety skin of her neck came in contact with my hand. Just like a peach's peel. She smelled like peach. Fuck the peaches.

I felt the softness of her lips against mine. She didn't respond for a few seconds but then, I felt her move with rhythm against my lips. Her lips pressing into mine. I nibbled as I glided my tongue gently over her lips. Smoother than hers. I bit her lower lip so lightly. A feather kiss which I had not had in years. This was the first kiss we shared and I had no idea why I did it. So wrong but so right.

Her arm snaked around my neck and she pushed her body against mine. I smiled amidst when I heard her grunt gently. I could feel the desire the way her hand ran through my hair. So close that we were. I felt her warmth coursing through me and yet it was so so enough. Before heat could run down my body, I pulled away. I wanted her warmth. I was selfish, maybe.

"I hate to break it to you, now there would be no 'over it'." I looked at her as she refused to open her eyes breathing deeply. Her head pressed against mine, our noses brushed. She was breathless and so was I. Her hands not leaving me.
"I was afraid of this Alex. Not you." She said as she put her neck at my nape, and circling her arms around my waist. I felt her head adjusting on my shoulder gently. I was left struck with her words. She was never afraid of me? She was afraid of this? A kiss?

I was too overwhelmed to understand. But how could I tell her, we shared a common phobia. That was us.

I let her snuggle against me as I put my arms around her. I could feel her gentle breaths. She wasn't asleep but somehow sleep was pulling me in. I let it as I felt weirdly secure in her arms. It was the nicest feeling I had had in long time. I didn't overthink it, it was just a kiss after-all. Didn't matter, did It?

But then again, I was afraid, I was ruining her. I knew how simple of a girl Ashley was despite her odd traits. I had never seen her having casuals. She had been in relationships and all of them had been the sweet love kind and then left her heartbroken kind. I knew about them since, she would always rant about it in our one sided arguments.

I loved the feeling of knowing that I knew so much about her. I even knew she was not afraid of us but she was afraid to admit that she wanted us just like me. We both were cowards hiding behind the masks of our past, holding onto it tightly.