A Kiss of Bleeding Fire

01

PALIHIM along napangiti nang nakita ko siyang sumunod sa 'kin pagkalabas ko sa kanilang classroom. A new sense of satisfaction sprouted from within me and I couldn't stifle the smile flirting on my lips. Was it too early to think that this reaction might be from the pregnancy hormones?

I made sure that we were out of earshot. I knew that I cannot hide this or keep this a secret. It will come out eventually but I needed to know what he wanted with the baby. If he didn't want it, I will think about it thoroughly if I can raise him on my own. The fear I had tried to bury reared its head in my chest, eliciting a talon to crawl up my throat, choking the possible words to come rolling out of my lips.

What if he chose abortion to deal with the baby? What if he was not ready— neither was I but abortion was not the choice for me. Garrett was a goal-oriented man; he had plans and he was a straight-arrow man. I knew for sure he did not want to deal with someone like me— whore who had daddy issues and was very mean to her sister.

Bitterness started to give flavor to my tongue. Thinking about the father of my child longing for the woman I hated made an unfamiliar twist in my stomach. I had no feelings for Garrett; any vestige of feelings was none. But to think that he had loved my sister dearly; that he would rather opt to abort the child made me feel a new sense of annoyance— which I shouldn't have because Cornelia had nothing to do with my irresponsible actions.

I stopped walking at the corner of the stair. I was facing the wall while my back was on him. The bravado that I felt minutes ago had dissipated. Tears started to prickle at the rims of my eyes. I sucked a breath to calm myself but every time I thought about the baby, the painful twirl of apprehension in my stomach occurred.

"Ano 'yong sinabi mo roon?" The annoyance in his voice was palpable. I breathed. I understood the hint of doubt in his voice, "I swear, Lilith. This is not funny at all. You can't just joke around like—"

I turned around to face him. My eyes stung and I knew he saw the fear and apprehension glinting in my eyes. I was afraid. I was so afraid of this pregnancy. My parents. My grandmother. They expected so much of me. My grandmother thought I was better than Lia. She was the only person who thought I was better than the woman I envied in my entire life and I was about to crush that assumption. I was no better than Cornelia. I was the trying-hard daughter, the second choice, the mean and nasty daughter.

"I am not joking." I tried to still my voice. I didn't want to show any weakness in my voice even though my eyes were giving me in, "I am pregnant and you . . . you are the father."

He looked at me darkly. The anger in his eyes went tenfold. I saw how his jaw turned rigid and his chest mounted. He was pissed. I expected it and I should not be feeling the hollow in my stomach. But I did. I felt it and it was making me so confused.

"How can you be sure that I am the father of your child?" His question sounded genuine but it still made my chest clench.

I breathed softly, "I am sure you are the father. I have never been with anyone for months—"

"How can you be sure? What if it was Bellamy—"

I clenched my jaw and looked at him with a dagger in my eyes, "Do you think I would settle on you when I knew there was a possibility that he's the father of my child?"

He shrugged, his eyes were not void. I could not read him. Kanina lang ay galit siya at hindi makapaniwala sa binalita ko. Ngayon ay wala ng reaksyon sa kaniyang mukha.

"How can I be sure about that? You were fuck buddies—"

"We were. Yes. But when he got a chance with Lia, he never laid an eye on me. Even now that my sister is missing, he still can't get over her. So, I am sure that he's not the father of this." I looked at him, "I could tell everyone that he was the father; that he impregnated me. Because having him is better off since I was in love with him but I don't want to be unfair to him . . . or to the baby."