A Kiss of Bleeding Fire

06

THERE were no signs of letting up. The sky was covered with a thick bank of clouds as they flashed vividly when a bolt of lightning brightened up. The thick sheet of rain was unabashedly whipping against the glass wall of the condo unit, clouding some part of it.

Nanatili lang akong nakatayo, pinapanuod ang ulang hindi na titila sa gabing ito. I scrolled through my social media accounts to confirm the situation on the road and when I confirmed I breathed heavily before pushing back my phone into my pocket.

Garrett went back to his room to prepare something. Hindi ko alam kung anong ipeprepare niya. Hindi nalang ako nagtanong at nanatiling pinanuod ang ulang mistulang nagmamakaawang makapasok. I shivered when I imagined the cool touch of the raindrop grazing against my skin.

Hugging myself while watching the rain whip against the glass wall, I thought about my life. How I was slowly becoming like my mother. I was having a child with someone na may mahal na iba. Garrett was all head over heels in love with my sister. I didn't want to marry him just for the sake of our child. Alam kong may chance na ipakasal kami, but I wanted to object . . . I will object. Because as much as I want to provide a complete family to my child, I cannot if it would be like what I had when I was a child.

Namulat ako na may ibang mahal na pamilya ang papa. Nabuhay ako na nagkukumahog makakuha lang nang kakapirangkot na pansin mula sa kaniya. I was so invested in making him see me as his child, as one of his children. Pero wala, e. Ang nakikita niya lang ay ang mga masasamang nagagawa ko.

It would be a lie if I said I was not jealous of Lia anymore. Because I was. Still was. She was loved by my father. Our father was so proud of everything she did.

Habang sa 'kin? He only saw the worst of me. He only saw the bad Lilith. The manipulative Lilith. The bitch Lilith. The nothing Lilith.

He thought that by providing money, shelter, food, and clothes, he was already doing his responsibility as a father. But no, he barely knew me! I wanted to yell at him all the time. Tell him all the things that were hurting. All the things that make me like this. But I pushed all that into a box and throw it away.

Lilith can't complain. I was a flame. I was to burn; I was to hurt.

So, right now, I did not want to trap Garrett in something that he did not want to. I always gave him a choice. If he wanted to be part of this pregnancy; be part of our baby's life, I will give him that. But if he opted to run away from it— from us, I will understand him.

With or without him, I knew I can give the love my child deserved. I can give him the material things. I can give him the love, affection, and care that will make him forget about his father.

"Hey," a husky baritone voice rasped behind me.

Napatingin ako roon at nakita ko si Garrett na nakasuot nang puting tee shirt, hapit na hapit ang tela nito sa kaniyang katawan. My lips dried up when my eyes traveled down to his pair of gray cotton pants deliciously hugging around his hips.

Something in my chest tightened and before I could react, Garrett moved swiftly beside me. He was fresh from the bath. Amoy na amoy ko ang bango ng sabon niya at aftershave.

"I prepared my room for you. Doon ka na matulog," he whispered beside me.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya, "Saan ka matutulog?"

"Sa guestroom nalang." He looked at me and when he saw the questioning look on my face, the side of his lips twitched, "Don't think too much about it. Ipapagamit ko ang k'warto ko dahil yun ang mas maayos. Hindi pa maayos ang ibang guestroom kaya nakakahiya ipagamit sa iba."

He turned and started toward the living room. Pinanuod ko lang siya at pinagmasdan ang kaniyang likod. He stopped walking and glimpsed at me over his shoulder, "If you need anything, just tell me. Dito muna ako sa living room."