A Kiss of Bleeding Fire

EPILOGUE - 01

THAT NIGHT
 
LILITH

MY CHEST was heavy, my eyes stung as if there were hundreds of tiny needles prickling through my lids. The dimness of my room was an accurate description of the emotions dancing in my chest. Darkness embraced my room even the faint light from outside feared to get in.

It had been months since Lia went missing. It had been months since this guilt started to eat up my entire sanity. It had been months since I felt alive.

I thought when Lia disappeared from my life, everything would fall into its rightful place. I was wrong— completely and utterly wrong. When Lia disappeared my father became more distant from me. Bellamy turned his back on me. The people around me looked at me as if I were a criminal on the loose.

The guilt became much stronger thinking that I'd tried my luck with Bellamy while she was missing. I'd loved Bellamy since we were kids. I'd had him first but I knew that he would never be mine. He always had his eyes on my sister; he always had his heart offered to my sister on a silver platter. It was stark-clear that Bellamy was down bad for my sister but I refused to believe that before.

Maybe because I refused to be defeated. Growing up, I always heard people comparing us both. They always talked about how Lia got the perfect personality to be a Gomez. She was the perfect fit for the heiress title of the Gomez clan. She was a bastard, why would she be the perfect fit for it?

Envy, jealousy, and insecurity. All those things engulfed my body, took over my control, and let the darkness seep into my head.

Depression had been on my doorstep since Lia went missing. I never told anyone about it. I was afraid people would think I wanted attention; I was afraid that they might think I was playing victim; and I was afraid they'd name me as some drama queen. I spoke to no one about my depression, my anxiety, and my other emotions because I always wanted to show the strong exterior I always wore when I was a kid.

I did not want any weakness to show from the cracks of my armor.

Maybe, right now, darkness was my friend. The light had been too much and darkness was the companion I'd never thought I needed. Sometimes, darkness was not bad— it gave silence, peace, and leeway to think or assess yourself. It offered a different kind of warmth a light couldn't provide. Now, I was basking in the darkness with a heavy chest, and depression clouding my head.

While I was wandering in my trance, my phone vibrated beside me. I glanced at it and saw the name of Paul. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my phone and checked his message. Paul was a friend of John's cousin. They visited La Union, and we kind of flirted with each other. I found him conveniently attractive, a posh boy from Manila, visiting our province. Paul had the bad boy aura, so I flirted with him. I always played on that spectrum. Playboys and bad boys were my type.

From: Paul

Are you ready to go out?

We had a plan to go out actually. I mean, my friends and I had a plan to go to a party and let it all loose. But since Paul was my fling, I invited him. Paul still satisfied me, so, I would still keep him on my side. We hadn't done the deed yet. I did not feel it right now. The chemistry wasn't there, and I needed to feel some lust to go for it.

I wasn't a virgin; I bed men, several of them. While I had an arrangement with Bellamy before, I also had fucked some men while we were at it. However, I hadn't tried having sex without protection. I took contraceptive pills as well to make sure. Also, I was making sure my partners were clean, and they didn't have any records of STDs.

Besides, I haven't had sex for months now. I missed the feeling of it. To have someone beside you. To worship you. To make you feel so special and loved even though it was just a short-term euphoria. I was addicted to it; I craved it. But right now, I did not feel like it.