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It is the day after the gala and my mother calls me downstairs to drink tea together.
My whole family is here. Oh no.
"Yes, amma?" I ask, sitting down.
"Inaya, Malik's mother told me that you met her son." Shoot.
"I did... at the park with Omar."
"Please Inaya. Talk to him, see if he wants to get married." No.
"But amma, I'm too young for marriage right now," I say.
"Well, you don't have to get married now. A lot of people your age, get engaged but don't get married until a few years later."
"I don't really like Malik. He's not my type." She shakes her head. "It's okay, you'll end up liking him later. He's perfect for you."
"If I don't like someone, why would I want to get married to them?"
"Well, you don't have many choices for men. No man would want a woman who takes anxiety, depression, and panic attack medicine." My mom tells me. "You also lost a lot of weight Inaya and you have too much loose skin. That's not shoondur." (beautiful) First, the problem was that I was too chubby and now it's that I lost too much weight.
"You tell people that I take medicine and have loose skin?" I ask. "No, but you'll have to tell your future husband once you choose and he won't like you anymore." I know. Wait what?
"What do you mean, he won't like me anymore?"
"Aaliyah, explain to your sister." My mother tells my older sister.
"No thanks, I'm not getting into this. Hamza you do it." She directs the task to my brother.
"Fine, because you take medicine for your mental health and Bengali parents aren't really up to date, they're going to think you're crazy. I'm not saying you are but you're health records aren't really proving you wrong." Oh...
"You've been taking your medications for 4 years Inaya! When will you get better?" My father asks, raising his voice a little.
"I don't know...but I am getting better." I say, softly.
"You always think you're right. You never listen to anything we ever say." My father has a habit of completely changing the topic just to lecture me.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I'll...do better." I say and get up.
"Now she's walking away." My dad mumbles.
"Talk to Malik, Inaya. Do this for your family." My mother says and I frown.
My heart is yearning for me to say, "But I don't want to!"
Although for the sake of my family I nod. "I will."
I go upstairs to my room and close my door.
I grab my phone and text...Angelo. What am I thinking?
Me: Hypothetically speaking, if we were about to get married and I tell you that I take anxiety, depression, and panic attack disorder medication and that I have a lot of loose skin, would you leave me?
He writes back right away.
Angelatin 😱👿: Hi Naya. What? I'm so confused. Are you okay? Do you want to come over? Should I come over? What's wrong? I'm going to call you. I'm worried.
My phone begins to ring and I answer it.
"Inaya please explain. What's wrong? Please tell me." He begs and my heart races.
"I'm fine. Please answer the question though." I need to know that there's nothing wrong with me.
"Yes, I would still marry you. If I am so in love with you, I would marry you, no matter what. I wouldn't care about any of the complications. If my fiancé is going through something I would be there to help her." I hung up. I'm not sure why but that is exactly what I need to hear. I need to know that there are men out there that wouldn't abandon me after finding a flaw.
Me: Thank you, Angelo. That really helps.
Angelatin 😱👿: Of course, you know I am always here for you Inaya. I care about you as a friend and I don't want you to ever think that you are alone.
Tears begin to fall from my eyes when I read the last part of his text.
Why couldn't I have just hated him?
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What the hell?
"I hope she's okay," I tell my sister, staring at Inaya and I's messages.
"It's probably a family issue but I wonder why she called you instead of me." Jealous little rat.
"Because I am better than you?" I tease my sister and she yanks my laptop out of hand.
"Hold up. What the-wait. What?" Shit. Shit. Shit. I was researching Islam before Inaya called me.
"Don't worry about it. I'm just researching Islam to be more accommodating to Inaya." Lies.
"You're already ugly, don't be a liar too. This page is about how to convert to Islam. Do you want to convert to Islam?" She asks me. Chasity, my sister-always so nosey.
"Fine, I had a conversation with Franco a little while back and he said some things that made me think about Islam as something more than just a monotheistic religion. It made me think about converting. I need to do a lot of researching because I don't want to convert with the wrong intentions." I explain to her.
"Good, you better not be converting for Inaya because her parents will never accept you. No offense but have you seen the men they're looking for? Bengali and a University degree. 2 things you don't have."
"I know, I know. Inaya is amazing but I would never convert for her. I want to convert to Islam because I like how peaceful and accepting the religion is. I like how respect, kindness, and forgiveness is a core values that they practice. I want to be as content and fulfilled with myself and religion as Muslims are." I say.
"Exactly. But now I want to know more about what you learned." She asks, getting comfortable in my bed.
"Well if I do decide to convert to Islam all of my past sins will be erased. So every bad thing that I have done wouldn't be weighed on me at the time of judgment. Most people who convert say revert instead because they believe that all people are born with a natural faith in God. I'll have to say the shahada and it's mandatory to pray 5 times a day. So I would have to learn how to pray-." Chasity stops me.
"Wait when you choose to convert maybe Inaya can help you learn how to pray and do the other things." She suggests and I nod. "Maybe."
Chasity stays in my room a little longer before her boyfriend calls her downstairs.
I have to do more research on Islam because I am scared that if I don't learn enough then I won't be converting for the right reasons.
I am utterly grateful that Inaya entered my life and introduced me to Islam and she will always be in my prayers but even if we don't end up together, there will be no regret in my heart.
Because there's a difference between converting for a woman and converting for the love of Islam.
