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Family dinners have never been this awkward. Even when I broke off my engagement with Malik, we would still have topics to discuss.
Now the room is only filled with silence.
"Why is everyone very quiet today?" Amma asks as I squeeze a third lemon onto my plate.
"Money!" Little Omar shouts almost putting me into cardiac arrest. Breathe Inaya. Omar is a child, it was just a coincidence that he was thinking about money. But just in case I hand him my phone to keep him occupied.
"Inaya," Baba says and I pinch myself to the point where it hurts. Bad habit.
"Yes?" I ask, looking up from my food. I have a bad feeling about what is going to come out of his mouth.
"I booked the tickets for our Bangladesh trip. We're leaving on the 13th." He says and my appetite is now gone.
"That's in four days," I reply fidgeting with my water glass. Baba stares at me and sighs.
"Yes. We already found you the perfect man. You will like him and will get married on the 16th." I look towards my siblings who give me a smile of pity. Even the in-laws look at me with sorrow. Everyone knows.
This is the part where you must stand up for yourself, Inaya. It is not worth it for you to sacrifice your happiness for your parents' love. If they truly love you then they will eventually come to accept you. And if they do not come around then it is alright, because you will still love them endlessly and it is not your fault. Your parents brought you into this world but it is your choice on how to live it. Your siblings may have found their soulmates through an arranged marriage but not everyone is the same. No one can tell you who to marry except yourself.
I give myself a little pep talk in the third person as I usually do when I am nervous or scared and I release a deep breath.
All eyes are on me but no one is speaking. Amir sends Omar upstairs and Hamza stops texting his wife. I am the center of attention. Even Aaliyah who isn't physically affectionate gives my a left hand a short squeeze.
"I am not going," I say trying to sound confident but my voice falters. Amma and baba's eyes become full of rage and all I want to do is fall into a hole and never get out. Preferably a hole with a Quran, a jainamaz, food, water, a shower, and my phone. But nonetheless a hole.
"Inaya, we went over this already. It is not your choice anymore. You have no say in this." Astagfirullah. My parents give such a bad representation of Muslims.
"What do you mean it's not her choice? Amir had the choice to marry Sadia and he chose to go to Bangladesh. You never suggested for me to go overseas and begged me to get on one of those Muslim dating apps and don't even get me started on Hamza's whole situation with Layla. Are they married, or are they not married? Who knows!" Aaliyah says sticking up for me.
