I woke up on the right side of the wrong bed. Once again. I had been drinking. Again. I had been back in Manchester for only a week and everything was going downhill. I wanted to forget Zayn, I couldn't feel a thing for that boy.
That's why I got out of the bed I was laying on, quickly finding my clothes in the room. I put them on and walked up to the door before giving one last glance to the bed. A blonde guy was laying there, naked, still asleep. Older than me, perfectly shaped, drunk too yesterday. Same thing as the other days, different guy. I got out of the room, then out of the appartement. I put my hair into a messy ponytail while I was running to my house. Well, half-running. More like, fast-walking. A cigarette between my lips because it was the best way to wake up these times.
I could have use the main door, but chances that my Mom would cut me were too big. So I went in the backyard and climbed the tree near my window. Yeah, it seems fucking hard to do, but I have some training. I passed through the window, falling on the ground on the other side.
"Where were you ?" I heard being said in the dark. I jumped on my feet, my heart racing miles per hour. Until I recognized Louis silhouette, sitting on my bed.
"Fucking hell, you scared the hell out of me !" I told him, walking up to my wardrobe to find something clean to wear. Louis kept silence, and that surprised me. So I looked over him. "What ?"
"Where were you, Alexis ?" God, he was looking so serious. Way too serious for Louis Tomlinson. He probably was on some shit or I don't know what.
"Out." I simply answered, throwing my old top on the floor next to me. Fucking hell, he was getting on my nerves.
"Where ?" His tone was rough, hard. And I need to say that I fucking hated it.
I turned to face him. I crossed my arms on my chest, making my breast look bigger in my bra. "Who do you think you are ? My father ?"
"I'm nothing like your father. I never killed any..." And, as soon as the words left his mouth, I knew he regretted them. But the harm was done. He quickly got up and walked up to me. "Shit, Alex, I'm sorry."
He was too close to me. Without having to think about it, I slapped him. Hard enough so my hand was printed on his cheek. But I wasn't sorry. The way he had said those words, it just hurt so much. It made my heart crush in my chest.
He put his palm on his cheek, palpating it. It wasn't the first time that I was slapping him, but with that much strength... I think so. "I'm sorry Alex, I'm just worried... I'm scared for you."
"No need to. I'm perfectly fine." If looks could burn, Louis would have been in fire in that fucking moment. My eyes in his, I was so fucking mad.
"Stop lying Alexis. I know you too much to be dumb fooled by you." I looked up to the sky, he made a step towards me. He wasn't scared. I knew he would take all the slaps in the world, if they were all coming from me. "You're not 'fine', as you say. You're acting exactly like... Before." He only whispered the last word, like he was afraid that it would put me back in that time.
But I was already back there. Sleeping with unknown guys, smoking way too much shit, drinking every night. I knew I was back at that, but there was no fucking way that I would admit it to Louis.
"I'm just having fun." I said, a bit less harsh than before. He was just worried. He just wanted me to be good. I couldn't hate him for that.
"You're not just 'having fun'-"
"Stop quoting me." I cut him off, once again rolling my eyes.
He continued, like I had never speak. "You're destroying yourself. Once again. And I fucking won't let that happen. I won't let you go back in the place, Alexis. Never."
Looking up to the sky. Again. Then I put my clean t-shirt and stripped out of my pants. I put on an other jeans, showing my knees through holes. Then I looked in the mirror and un-tied my hair. Louis was standing right behind me, a worried look on his face.
"You need to stop."
"You don't tell me what to do." I glanced at him in the mirror, crossing my arms over my chest. That was my childish way to express my anger. That, and slapping him in the face.
"Okay, since the gentle way didn't worked..." He whispered. He put his hands on my shoulders, trying to make me turn around. But I didn't move. I kept on staring at him in the mirror. He gave up, throwing his hands in the air. "Fuck, Alexis ! I know how stubborn you can be, but still ! You have that guy, right there, that seems to like you, and I know you do too. But what are you doing ? You're sleeping around, doing like he doesn't exist ! But he does, Alex, HE DOES !"
"I know he exists !" I shouted back, not giving a crap if my Mom was to hear us. "But I don't LIKE him !"
Louis was getting warmed up too, his fists were clench and he had this vein on his neck, beating the rhythm of his heart. "Okay, right, you don't like him. You love him."
"SHUT UP ! JUST SHUT UP !" I screamed, putting my hands over my ears as the words escaped his lips. I didn't wanted to hear those words, no, I couldn't.
" See ? That's what I'm talking about !" He was loosing his cool, just as mine was already far gone. "You're pushing him away, because you know that he'll make you happy !"
"He won't ! He can't !" Louis threw his hand in his hair as the words left my mouth.
"Because you're not letting him ! Fuck, Alexis ! You need to let your guard down ! Someone else than I needs to see how incredible and kindhearted you are..." His voice went low, as much as mine went up.
"I don't need to let my guard down ! Last time I did, I ended up in a fucking NUT-HOUSE !"
"It won't happen again. You're stronger now."
I stayed silent, crossing my arms on my chest. Still staring at him in the mirror. He tried to make me turn around again, but I kept still. I didn't wanted to face him.
He punched the air, trying not to scream. Then he walked up to my nightstand, opening all the drawers. Fuck. I knew right away what he wanted to do. But I wasn't fast enough. By the time I got next to him, he had found all my stock. All the marijuana and the coke I was keeping. He put it in his pants pocket.
"Give it back to me !" I screamed, while punching him in the chest.
"Tell me you'll give him a try. Tell me you'll let him make you happy."
"FUCK IT, THEN !" I shouted. I was seeing red, he was pissing me off. I grabbed his arm and lead him to the door. "GET OUT !" I tried to push him out of my room, but I need to say that I'm fucking way too little and that Louis is kind of full of muscles. When he finally was in the hallway, I threw the door close, right in his face. And I locked it. He started pouding against the wood, but I turned around. I went back to face the mirror, looking at my face as I was biting my lower lip.
"ALEXIS ! FUCKING HELL, ALEXIS ! STOP BEING SO STUBBORN !"
I stayed silent and he kept shooting things. I don't know how long I stayed there, staring at my reflexion. Then, I heard him punching hardly the wall, before rushing downstairs. And that's when I realized the rivers coming down my cheeks. Tears. The first ones in so long. They escaped my eyes, rolling down my cheeks, ending their life in the corners of my lips.
...
I was feeling nothing. I spent the whole day there. Standing, then falling to my knees when strength gave up on me. Tears stopped after a while, a long while. For the first time in so long, I remembered everything I wrote on that deck of cards. The deck of cards that was under my pillow. All the reasons why I should have died. They seemed way too accurate, in the moment.
The first card was saying "I'm weak". And, for that, I grabbed my phone from the floor and found that conversation. And, without thinking any further, I typed a message and pressed the send button.
——
Hey guyyyys ! Yeah, Alexis and Louis fight ! I'm so bad to write fights, omg. x))
Oh, and thanks Ed Sheeran for the first sentence, I love u babe. ;)
*Early update because I don't have wi-fi at home for a few days so I'm using the one at school to update x) Anywayyyy ! x)
