I heard Zayn getting out of the house by ten this morning. I should've maybe went upstairs and tried to talk to him about yesterday. But... My stupid pride wasn't letting me do so. Fucking pride.
I stayed in bed all day long. Feeling less then nothing. That sick feeling of depression was coming back inside of me. For one day, just for one day, I wasn't feeling like pushing it away. I let it wash all over. I even put my deck of cards out. Just to read them. Over and over again. All of those reasons why I wanted to die just a few months back. Almost a year now. I threw them all over the room, I couldn't stand to see my handwriting anymore.
I stayed in the basement all day long, I was waiting for Zayn to come back. I wanted to apologize, to say how sorry I was for screaming. My pride was long gone. I just wanted to be back in his arms, to have him saying he loves me.
But it was now past four in the afternoon and he still wasn't back.
I got upstairs, walking up to his room. Maybe I had just missed him coming back. I opened the door, he wasn't there. I was on the verge of breaking, strong little Alexis was far gone. I took one of his sweater from the floor and put it over my head. I brought the collar to my nose, taking deep breath of his smell. I went to his bed, laying on the mattress. One of his pillows between my arms, my nose hidden in his scent. God damn it, how I hated myself in the moment. I wanted him next to me, I wanted to forget what had happened the day before, I wanted to say how sorry I was, I wanted... I wanted to tell him freaked out I was that he would think that I'm a fucking mess, that he realized that he was deserving better... I wanted to tell him how much I needed him in my life. Because, without him, I was such a mess.
I've always told myself that I won't be one of those girls. But with him, with Zayn, I had no choice but to be dependent of him. He was my new favorite kind of drug.
...
I spent a whole hour like this, not moving. Jumping out when my phone started to ring. I hoped for him. But it wasn't. Doniya's name was on the screen. I answered and, before I could say a word, the words rushed out of her mouth.
"Alexis ? Are you with Zayn right now ? Please, just tell me you are !"
"Euh..." I cleared my throat, the tears I was holding back making my voice rough. "No ? He left the house early this morning and he's still out." I heard her gasping, I sat straight on the mattress. "What's happening Doniya ?"
"He... He was supposed to come to the appartement. He told me he was on his way... But it was hours ago. I thought... I thought he got caught up with you, I don't know... But... God, I'm kind of starting to freak out now."
So was I. Zayn wasn't the kind of guy to stood someone up. Especially not his sisters. I tried to keep my mind empty from bad scenarios, breathing deeply. "I'll try to call him. We should give him until dark. If he doesn't show up..." I didn't even wanted to think about that possibility. "We'll go look for him."
"Okay... Okay. I'll text you later."
We ended up the call and I dialed an other number. One I knew by heart. Zayn's. The bell rang, over and over. He wasn't picking up. My heart speeded up with every passing ring. And I fell on the answering machine. Telling me to leave a message. So that's what I did.
"Hey, Zayn... It's Alexis. I'm worried. Doniya called me. Please, just give me a sign that you're doing okay... And if you're still mad at me, at least call your sister. She's worried sick. Please Zayn..." I bit my lip, holding back the 'I love you' I had on my tongue. I just hung up. And kept on staring at my phone. Wishing it would light up. But it didn't.
...
"Yeah Mom, we're having a girl time tonight ! Zayn's at Mark ! Love you !" Doniya told her Mom as we were stepping outside the house. We didn't wanted to freak her out, Zayn probably was alright. There was no need to make her worry. But the two of us clearly were. The sky was now dark, even the moon wasn't showing. And Zayn wasn't back. That's why I was sitting next to Doniya, in her car.
