Christmas, oh dear Christmas... Usually, Christmas is the time of the year when everyone is happy. It's the holiday everyone had been waiting for since summer. Christmas and I, we weren't friends at all.
For me, Christmas means : Louis going away for some family shit, fucking snow all over, being stuck in the house with my Mom, memories of when we learned the truth about my father and of when he went away. Christmas wasn't an happy time for me.
I stayed in bed for a long, long time. I didn't wanted to face my Mom, who would probably be already all dressed-up in the kitchen, making food that's going to feed us for the next ten years and acting like the gifts under the tree were the perfect ones for me.
Talking about my Mom, she's not mad against me anymore. That's the thing with her : she's fast to forget. It was a good thing for me, not for her though.
It was past one in the afternoon when I finally decided to go out of my bed. I had been doing nothing all morning, just trying to fall back asleep and to not text Zayn. But I couldn't help myself anymore. I sat on the mattress, grabbed my cellphone, ignored Louis' multiple "MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOOD SEX !" and found Zayn's conversation. It didn't took long before I wrote the message, because I had been thinking about it all morning.
"Hey you :) Where have you been lately ? Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. Call me if you have the time :)x"
I stared at the screen for a moment, before shaking my head to put my thoughts back together. I got up and walked to the wardrobe to find something to wear. Well, in fact, I already knew what I would wear. My Mom wanted me to dress clean - like... fucking clean - and I only had one outfit that fits her description of clean. It was a long sleeves dress, with my back exposed. I took it with me in the bathroom, before jumping in the shower. I took my time in there, savouring the hot water running on my skin. And, when I finally got out, I spent lots of time in the towel, trying to convince myself that I really needed to put that dress on. Yeah, she was really pretty and everything but... She wasn't like me. She was too straight to be me. If only I could wear boots and a jeans jacket with it... But no. My Mom was totally against this idea.
I dried my hair and, for once, I straightened them. I've always been so bad at doing it, because it was something I was only doing once a year. Some year two, but it was the maximum. And usually Louis was doing the back of my head, because there's a spot that I just can't get to.
After having every strand of my hair straightened, I dropped my towel to the floor and put the dress on. I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time, trying to make the dress look a bit more like myself. But I failed epically and finally decided to leave it be. I tried to do something with my hair, but after a few minutes of unsuccessful tries, I just let them fall in my back.
I went back into my room and the first thing I checked was my phone. Nothing from Zayn. I ignored the slight pain I was feeling in my chest and answered to Louis instead.
One small text to Louis ended up being a whole conversation and by five, I was still in my room. And I was hearing my Mom climbing the stairs. She wanted me down, I was fucking sure of it. And, just to prove me right, I heard her knock on my door seconds later.
"Alexis ? We're eating soon, darling."
"Hm-hm." I simply answered and I heard her go away. During Christmas time, my Mom was always going softer on me, like she was expecting me to break or something. It was even worst this year. She was probably expecting a huge breakdown or something. A bit upset that Zayn had still not answered my text, by that was it.
"Hey, gotta go L. Tell Phoebe that I said to leave your hair alone. Love, A. x"
"THANKS GOD, I LOVE YOU DARLING ! XXXX"
I laughed quietly at his answer, before shoving my phone in my bra. I knew my Mom was against me texting all evening long on Christmas, but I knew I just wouldn't last all night with her alone.
I found my heels and put them one. Those heels too, weren't my style neither. As I was going down the stairs, I fell almost ten times. Awesome, isn't it ?
When I entered the living room, everything was way too much decorated. My Mom had probably worked on this all morning. It really was too much, but I didn't say a word. I just sat on the couch and waited for my Mom to bring the first plate in. The dinner would be the same as every year. First, there's going to be mozaralla stick. After that, there's always a salad with a weird dressing. Then, it would be the turkey with the cranberry sauce and some mushed potatoes. And, to end, there's going to be a Queen Elizabeth cake. Everything was home made. And there was always way too much of it. Next year, I'll probably invite Louis over, maybe I won't be forced to eat the left over until June. Just maybe.
...
Dinner is finally over and I escaped the living room for the hundredth time. One again going in the bathroom to check my texts. You know, just in case I didn't felt the buzzing on my boob. But there was nothing. Not even from Louis. He was probably receiving his gifts, or doing an all-you-can-eat with his cousins. Those are the two only reasons why he wouldn't answer. I started to write a message to Zayn, but stopped myself before pressing the send button. I would look too dependent, right ? I wasn't. I couldn't be.
I shook my head and walked out of the bathroom. My Mom was done cleaning the living room from our dinner and she was now sitting on the couch, waiting for me to start the movie. It was the same movie as when I was just a kid. The same movie as when my father was still here. Christmas hadn't changed with my father going away or us coming back in England. I wished it had.
I sat on the other couch and just waited for my Mom to press the play button. She did and the movie started. It was one of the late eighties, taking place near Christmas time. We watched it in silence - only broke by her laugh at some scenes that she still finds funny after all the times she watched them - for two long hours. I texted Louis a few times, telling him how bored I was. And, when the movie was over, my Mom put the TV to the Christmas' special shows. Time was long, I just wanted to sleep. Or to be with Zayn. Or both.
Midnight was finally here and my Mom closed the TV. We were always waiting up to midnight to exchange gifts. Weird, you may say, since we were now the 26th instead of the 25th, but my Mom didn't seemed to care.
She walked up to the Christmas tree and handed me one of the boxes. There were tones of them under the tree, but I knew most of them were empty and only for decoration. Not because we don't have the money to give this amount of gift, but more because we don't know what to give to each other.
My Mom handed me the box and I gave her my best fake smile. I teared the paper off to find my gift. A series of books about astrology. I faked being super happy about the gift, as I was telling myself that the only use the books would have would be to burn in a fire this summer.
It was now my turn to give her her gift. I gave the box to her and she opened it. Her eyes started to fill with tears and really seemed touched by my gift. Wow, oversensitive here. I didn't know that a pair of pink socks could make her cry. Because, yeah, she really seemed on the verge of tears. So fucking weird.
We exchanged thanks and a hug before going to our bedrooms. As soon as my door was closed, I got rid of my shoes and stripped out of my dress, leaving them on the floor. I just grabbed my cellphone and jumped in my bed. Louis had just send me a video of him being completely drunk with one of his cousin - I think I had fucked him a year ago, but I wasn't sure - saying that they both love me so much. He seemed to have way much more fun than me. I told him goodnight and checked once again Zayn's conversation. Still no answer.
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Hey guyyys ! Sorry I forgot to update last week, I had been kind of busy with prom and everything... Anyway, no one reads this story, so I might as well just apologize to myself x))
