I stayed as late as possible in Zayn's room, only leaving after a nurse gently kicked me out. I called Louis, he had took us a room in a motel not too far away from the hospital. That's where we spent the night. Louis didn't even complained about that date with Hannah he was missing. He just let me climb in his bed and held me tight as I was trying to find sleep. And, when I finally did, all I could do was to dream of that young Bradford boy and his big brown eyes.
...
I came back at the hospital as early as possible. I didn't even knock at the door, only stepping inside of the room. And I cursed at myself because I was face to face with a woman I assumed to by his mother. Or at least a relative, because they were looking quite alike.
"Can I help you ?" She asked from the chair she was sitting on. Her voice was so low, like she was tired of everything. She held Zayn's hand like it was the only thing keeping her alive.
"Euh... I'm a friend of Zayn. But, euh... I'll come back." I hardly said, before giving her a fake smile.
"No, stay." She gently demanded and I made a step inside of the room. "I hadn't met some new friends of Zayn in a while."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I simply smiled. I forced one. This was a sign. When you stop hanging out with your friends, when you stop bringing people around. And I know what I'm talking about.
Silence filled the room and it was pretty awkward. I had no clue on what to do, so I simply stood there, crossing my own fingers. I looked down to the ground, wondering when Zayn would wake up. Because this was starting to get very awkward.
"You're Alexis, right ?" She asked me and I automatically looked up, wondering how the fuck she knows my name. "You're the camping girl." I just nodded, wondering if he had talked to me to his parents. And, if he had, what did he said ? There was not much to say, because I clearly don't picture him saying to his mother "Hey, look at her, she's my fucking buddy." Clearly not fitting the guy's image.
"I'll leave you two guys for a moment." She simply stated, before getting up from the chair and giving me a weak smile. "I need to go to the bathroom."
What did she wanted me to answer to that ? So I just nodded and she closed the door behind her. As soon as she did, I rushed to Zayn's side and took place in the bed. Just like we did yesterday. I can't remember how many hours we spent like that, my arm wrapped around his waist and his around my shoulder. A lot.
His mother was taking her time at the bathroom, she probably wanted to give us some time alone. I instantly liked her – as much as I possibly could like someone. It had been already ten minutes until Zayn started to move, probably waking up. It wasn't much, just a slight shaking. But it became worst and worst, so I sat back up and grabbed his hands. Doing the same thing Louis had done with me more than a year ago. I grabbed his hands in mines with as much strength I was able to, staring right at him. So, when he finally opened his eyes, they were right into mine. A single tear rolled down his cheek and I fought the urge to wipe it away.
"Breath Zayn..." I whispered gently. I was putting as much softness in my voice as possible. "You're starting to panic..." And, as he was trying to calm himself, I found myself falling in my memories.
Flash-back
Where the fuck am I ? Why is there wires all over me ? Why do I have this perfusion in my right arm ? Why...
Why am I alive ?
I wasn't supposed to be alive, I was supposed to have eat enough pills to be sleeping forever. I don't want to be here, I don't want this pain, take me away from here, take me fucking away ! I don't want to live !
My breath went faster and faster, before getting stuck in my throat.
"Shhhhh Alex... It's alright..." I heard to my right. I turned my head to this direction, only to see Louis sitting on a chair next to the bed. No, make him leave ! I don't want him to see me like this ! I need him away ! Fucking far away !
I couldn't breath anymore, it was just incoherent thoughts in my mind.
Louis stood up from the chair and sat on the mattress, grabbing both of my hands in his. He looked right into my eyes and I wanted to scream for him to leave, to let me be.
"Breath Alexis." He slowly spoke, never blinking. His eyes never leaving mine. "You're starting to panic." At first, I didn't wanted to do as he said. I had every fucking right to panic ! I was supposed to be dead, to not drag anymore attention towards me ! And here I was, having a fucking panic attack after my suicide attempt. Could I panic for a while, yes ?
But he didn't let me panic for long. He grabbed my hands with more strength, more and more with each passing second, until my breathing went back to normal. When it finally did, he let go of my hands and I rolled to my side, closing my eyes.
I was supposed to be dead.
End of flash-back
Zayn's breathing was almost back to normal and I was letting go of his hands when the door opened. His mother was in the doorframe, tears rolling down her cheeks. I assumed she hadn't saw him awake in a long time. I got out of the bed and gave one last smile to Zayn before leaving the room. But I couldn't get myself to leave the hallway.
I knew what would happen next. I didn't wanted to leave him alone in that.
They would tell him what his treatment would be.
I don't remember much of this in my case, all I was thinking about in that time was about how much I should have died and how much I hated everyone. I barely listened when the doctor told me where I was going to live for the following couple of months.
I stayed in the corridor for a long time, sitting on the floor. I stared at the wall in front of me, without emotion. Being back in a hospital was just bringing way too many memories. I couldn't even fight them.
That's where Louis found me, couple of hours later. How did he get here, I have no fucking clue. This guy always knows where I am and when I need him the most. He stopped in front of me, smiling sadly.
"Walking back on the memory lane ?" He asked and I simply nodded. He then handed me his hand and I took it to get back on my feet. My best friend didn't said a thing, he just wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pressed me to his chest. Nothing more was needed.
...
Next morning, I was sitting on a bench outside of the hospital. Alone. They were taking Zayn away this morning, I heard it over the door the day before. Right before he started to scream his lungs out and to break my heart. Louis took me away quickly, but not quick enough so I couldn't hear when he was leaving.
That's why I was here, so early in the morning.
I had spotted Zayn's mother's car right in front of the entry of the hospital and I was waiting for him to come out. It would only be a matter of minutes anymore. And I still had no clue on what I was about to do.
Finally, I did nothing. I just kept on sitting on the bench and I looked at him as he walked to the car. It felt like it was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. His mother was by his side, holding tight to his hand. My heart broke it this sight. I didn't had that, when it was me. I went alone in the car that took me to Wolverhampton. Wind was making my hair fly all over my face, but I didn't moved. I just kept on looking at him. Until he was in the car.
That's when he saw me.
From the passenger seat, his eyes locked themselves into mine.
And I smiled. That's the only thing I could do from here. That, and my lips moving to say "I'll think of you, you can do it" without a sound.
——-
