Hold Me

Chapter 61

"I didn't say I hated the discrimination…" Alexander let out a deep breath. He felt guilty. It felt so wrong saying that. "I grew up all alone, Jude. I have no siblings and my parents were always busy, going on business trips and stuff. I hardly saw them. I was a very withdrawn kid at first. I rarely talked to anyone. But at the start of middle school, I happened to win an art competition purely out of luck. I didn't care much about it but my parents were over the moon. They flew over from another country to see me accept the prize." Alexander chuckled.

Jude listened carefully. Jude didn't know anything about his mate's childhood. It was the first time the alpha shared something about it.

"I was damn happy to see my parents. At that time I figured out that if I could keep winning prizes, I would be able to see my parents more often. So that's what I did. I entered every single competition I could and I won almost all of them. I got to see my parents more than ever. They had a proud smile on their face whenever they looked at me. 

My achievements made me popular. I made more friends. The teachers, the kids, the neighbours—everyone liked me. And I liked the attention. I bathed in it and got drunk on it like it's some kind of drug. I got compliments even for just existing. In their eyes I was perfect. 

Even though I started joining competitions only for my parent's attention, I continued it to keep up my image. I liked the image I had. I was perfect for them. An alpha who excelled in art, sports, and academics. I saw jealousy, adoration, and amazement in most of the people who looked at me. It started to grow on me. I wanted to keep that image no matter what. I didn't want a single stain on it. I worked extra hard. I calculated all my steps and plans. I had all of my life planned out. I knew what I wanted to do….until I saw you…" 

Jude flinched. He shrank back and moved off the alpha's chest. Alexander could feel the omega's pheromones turn sour. 

The boy was nervous. He somehow felt sorry for ruining Alexander's perfect life even though he did nothing wrong.

"They always said I'll get a perfect match and I'll live happily ever after. I waited for that. I wanted a mate and a kid… I wanted to have that kind of happiness I read about in books. I wanted to give my kid whatever I wish my father would have done for me when I was young. I was waiting for that moment…" 

Alexander saw a tear slide down the omega's cheek. Jude was gripping the pillow tightly like he was going to rip it to shreds just like how the alpha shattered his heart.

Alexander softly caressed the boy's cheek.

"As cheesy as it sounds, when I saw you, my whole world stopped. Before I saw you, I never even looked at males like that. That time at the bakery, I was panicking. My whole body was screaming to go to you. Throw away everything that was between us and embrace you until you're completely mine…

When I realized you are a male, my mind just blanked out. The only thing I could do was run. So that's what I did. I ran like a coward. 

I told my friends about you. I wanted someone to tell me that it was okay but my friends just looked at me with pity. That was the first time I saw that emotion directed at me. They pitied me because I got an omega. They pitied me because I got a male for a mate. They pitied me because I might not get an heir."

Jude's whole body was shaking. Alexander blinked a few times when he saw his vision blur. He could only look at Jude for a moment before his guilt forced his eyes away.

"Almost all the people I told about you tried to console me rather than congratulate me. I was torn apart not knowing what to do. I told my parents about you and I expected the same reaction I got from my so-called friends but I didn't get that from them. They were happy. They said they wanted to meet you as soon as possible. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't have shown up at the bakery the next day…"

"I-I was so scared at that time…" Jude whispered out.

"I know…When I married you, I thought that me taking over the business would shift everyone's attention from my mate. I just wanted our relationship to be just like two people who share the same house. I wanted to be clear about how I felt towards you, that's why I told you that on our wedding night…

I tried to stay away from you. I hated the attraction and guilt that filled me whenever I saw you. Every time you looked at me with those tearful eyes, I wanted to do nothing but embrace you till I melted in your arms. I wanted you 

in so many ways and my body was killing me to be with you.

I hated that. I hated that you had so much power over me. You were trying hard to be close to me and I was so scared that I might give in. So I hurt you to make you stay away. I did so many disgusting things to you and I hated myself for it. 

I tried to convince myself that I didn't care about you. I repeated that in my mind over and over again. But sometimes you made me lose control over myself. 

And when you got attacked by that guy, I thought I was going to lose you. The guilt I felt was immense. I slowly started to push back my mind's warnings about staying away from you. It was hard staying away from you. I was confused, scared…and frustrated.

Being with you scared me. My urge to hold you, taste you, touch you… It was scary. I lost control when I saw you begging for me. Every affection I locked away, forbidden from being exposed, rushed out of me. I couldn't hold back longer. I wanted to…I wanted to try and maybe make things better for you…"

Jude looked up at his mate. His eyes locked with the alpha's tearful ones. A frown formed on the omega's face. "Don't cry…" He whispered. This was the first time he saw Alexander cry. He didn't like it.

"Jude, I know you only forgave me because I'm your mate. You forgave me because you think without me you would have no one in this world. You think I'm your only hope in having a family. I was grateful for how you treated me even after I made you go through hell and back when we started off. But the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this. Lying next to you like this feels like a crime after what I did to you…" 

Jude moved his eyes away from the alpha. "Y-You were too cruel, Alexander. I felt like staying alive and fighting for my life in this filthy world all those years wasn't worth it. I was denied the only thing I hoped for my whole life. I wanted you to just hold me. Just be there for me. 

You didn't. I thought it was my fault. I felt like I didn't deserve you… I felt like I wasn't your match."

"It's me who doesn't deserve you…Jude, you can choose not to forgive me. Or take your time if you want to. I understand. I will wait for you. I promise."