I am suffering from schizophrenia. Before you jump to any conclusions about me... Before the word "schizophrenia" shows its stigma and makes you think of serial killers, mass shooters, and the like, let me clear a few things up. I am not Norman Bates. I'm not Ted Bundy. In fact, most victims of this disease shy away from violence. I don't have multiple personalities. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a completely different condition than I have.
Most of the time I am just like you. I go to work, I watch television, read books, listen to music, pursue my hobbies and spend time with the people I love. I just occasionally... see and hear things that aren't really there.
When this happens... I refer to these episodes as experiencing "interference" when I have hallucinations or hear voices, because that's how I feel. They are obstacles in my daily life. It's also a good way for me to signal to someone I trust, who is aware of my situation, that I'm in the middle of an episode without having to use that word. I just tell them, "I'm sorry... there's some interference going on," and they understand.
Not everyone is understanding. My father was one of those people.
I was diagnosed at a very young age. I was only six years old when a child psychiatrist reluctantly wrote "schizophrenia" on my diagnostic chart. It is not a diagnosis assigned lightly, especially to children. Most people with this disease do not start showing symptoms until their late teens or early twenties. I was six years old. Although, in a strange way, I consider it a blessing. Never before had I experienced the shocking phenomenon of living a normal life, suddenly the carpet was pulled under my feet. It is better to be born blind than to lose your sight later in life. I've never known anything else.
This has also given me a long time to come to terms with my illness and to learn to live with it. I take medication, and as long as I stay on them most of my days are just as boring and mundane as everyone else's. Mild episodes will always happen, but the big ones, the ones ranging on the scale 8 or above, are few and far between.
The hardest thing about living with schizophrenia is that it can't always be told what's real from what isn't. Sometimes, it's too obvious. If I see a purple elephant riding a tricycle in my living room, I can pretty much assume that it's not real and shouldn't be given much thought. The ones that come to me are more subtle... answering a phone that wasn't ringing... answering to call someone's name when no one was there... attempting to sit in a chair that didn't really is not there. Things like this can be extremely embarrassing when they happen in public, so I stay away from most people. I know I'm creepy to some. Unique. It's like they know something is "off" about me, but can't tell what it is.
Another annoying thing about this disease is confusion. However, I have been lucky. The way some schizophrenics are, I am not prone to delusions. I don't think the government has chipped in my brain or that I have been kidnapped by aliens. I don't buy conspiracy theories or anything like that. However, such a danger always remains. I'm always afraid to walk away from the deep end like this, so I avoid anything that might trigger it. Sometimes it takes all it takes to root out a simple idea. Word. a saying. It's not always a purple elephant. Sometimes, it's a little worse.
The one thing I avoid above all is religion. I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone who is religious. A common fallacy for schizophrenics to fall into is the belief that they are hearing the voice of God, or that their hallucinations are actually angels or demons trying to show them visions. I also have well-meaning people who tell me that I am not mentally ill at all—that I am gifted. I can see in the spiritual realm while others cannot.
Of course it's funny. This is not a gift. Still, I'm afraid to believe it someday. Who doesn't want to believe they are special like this? I guess that's why it's such a common thing. Still, this is a very dangerous thought. As tempting as the notion of being chosen by God is, the reality is that I have a disease. It's not beautiful. It's not romantic. That's it. Also... I don't have such a good track record with religion.
