I feel home only in my own world. I cannot live in someone else's life space. I hate sleeping with someone, I hate feeling trapped, to feel like I can't do anything without them looking down on me. I feel worthless and this feeling's getting bigger day after day. Now they want me to clean and put everything where it belongs in my room so that they can take every little thing out and exposed in the corridor in order to wash the floor. It is made with real wood and maybe is here since a long time but it is not damaged and I really don't want to go outside of my room. I may need to sleep with my brother and that's (truly) one of the worst thing. It's not like I don't like him but I feel very bad and sick sleeping near him.
They always promise me things, I don't know why. They forget so often things like this or make it be secondary so that they can do other things they like more instead of just respecting what they said. For instance, they promised me they would "make" me a shelf as soon as they could but in fact it's been 2weeks they promised and they didn't do anything about it except to ask me which color I wanted it to be (saying me two secs later that it was a color they didn't liked and that it would be ugly). And first they asked me to make everything tidy in my room (why do I need a shelf ??? because I don't have anything to put my stuff on and everything's just laying on the floor because it doesn't belong anywhere. So I can accept that they want the floor to be uniform everywhere, but I just won't put all my stuff really on the corridor or in the bathroom like it doesn't matter. I care about everything I own. That's more or less everything I care about in my house. Everything not mine in here doesn't matter.
And well that's strange how I can hardly bear their presences while I feel so calm and fine at school. I feel relaxed only when they're not there. And even in my room I don't feel perfectly safe. It's like they're always watching. surveilling me. I don't understand. they're too stifling. always having an advice to give me or a critic. Never stopping their envy of knowing and seeing everything I do. Yelling in the whole house my name because they wanna see pictures I took and looking in my gallery even though they finished seeing what they searched for. I stifle. It's overwhelming me. I'm sinking.
I think too much. Everything in my mind push my to overthink all the thoughts which would get to me. For me, nothing can have no explanation. There must be a logic. Thats why I just cant learn anything without understanding its sense. Its more frustrating for me to have no explanation than to have one too complexe. Because in front of my envy of knowledge, nothing is too complex. Too difficult to apprehend.
~~~~~~~~~
'Ever running down I continue
circling with nothing but my hate in a carousel of agony
to slowly I forget and my heart starts
vanishing
inside of me 'till I can break free
im slipping through the cracks of a darky
and the paralyzing agony
enveloping my mind
maybe its a dream
maybe nothing else is real
I forgotten how to tell I forgotten if I can
so i'm tired of all the pain
of the misery inside
you can tell me what to say
you can tell me where to go
and i doubt that I would care
and my heart would never know
if i make another move
There'll be no more turning back
because everything will change
and it all will fade to black
will tomorrow ever come
will I make it trough the night
am I hurtin am i sad
should I stay or should I go
I forgotten how to say
did I ever even know
can I take another step
i've done everything I can
all the people that I know
did i ever change
if i step into the light
fade to white
Ever running down I continue
circling with nothing but my hate in a carousel of agony
to slowly I forget and my heart starts
vanishing
all it all will fall apart
if i'm crying in the wind
if i'm crying in the night
can you tell me who you are
can you tell me who I am
I forgotten how to see
I forgotten if I can
and it all will fade to black'
Bad Apple, Lizz Robinet
do you wish it for the person who loves ?
きらりん
YOU ARE READING
My slice of life
Poetry~All of us is smiling when you cry All of you is crying when I smile All of them is sleeping when you're awake When you're an other thing than me~ This is gonna be like a kind of safe place. Somewhere where nothing that I say could be bad or even...
