Red and Black Simon Riley x oc

Part 23: Maybe I'm Just Not Loveable

Tw: depression, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, razor blades, and angst. Like sad stuff😭

If you are struggling with any of these know I am here to talk and always will be. If I don't answer right away I'm most likely doing school work, but please reach out. I am a safe place and I love you even if I don't know you <3

I was carried to the helicopter by price. Simon and Gaz couldn't even look at me. Soap was upset but he was mostly worried.

Dreykov's guards were dealt with by the backup Price called for, and Delilah was safe and even returned to her family.

I can't feel anything. I just stared ahead at the empty helicopter seats. Price was one seat over and soap was in front of price. Gaz and Simon sat all the way at the other end not even looking in my direction.

Simon definitely doesn't love me anymore. He can't look at me and it makes me feel broken. I can't even look at myself in the reflection of the heli window. Simon has every right to be repulsed by me. Im a cold blooded killer.

When the helicopter landed I walked straight to my room. I barely even greeted Rudy and Alejandro who just returned from a personal mission.

I only have one thing on my mind and that is to take a long nap. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to disappear into a dark void and never wake up.

I took off my suit and grabbed one of Simon's t-shirts from the basket on the couch. It smelt like him. I laid in my bed under the covers, and stared out the window. It was dark and most likely cold. Usually I would have loved to sneak out of my window and climb to the roof and relax in the chilly air, but I can't move. I don't want to do anything but disappear.

I want to sleep but I can't. Every time I close my eyes I see flames and I hear the screams if children. I curled up in a fetal position while covering my ears to block out the screams. I cry and sob trying to make the sounds go away but I can't make it stop.

I hit my head and ears constantly trying to stop the sounds. After a bit they finally stop but I'm still crying. I can't stop the tears. I have a major headache from the crying and yelling.

They all hate me! Simon can't look at me and Gaz can't even come near me. Everyone hates me! Maybe I'm just not enough. Maybe I'm unlovable. I don't deserve love. I didn't deserve there kindness. I never did I don't deserve anything at all.

I'm a horrible person. I can't have children, I kill people, I've killed children, and I've tortured poor innocent people. I'm a monster! A disgrace of a woman! A bitch! A failure! I don't deserve to live. I'm... horrible.

There was a soft knock on my door and I turned away from the door and faced my window again. I heard soft footsteps walk toward me and stop beside the edge of my bed. I felt a dip beside me and a hand on my shoulder.

Price: Alia? You need to take a shower sweetie.

Alia: no.

Price: I can fix a bath. You can lay down and you won't have to stand and strain yourself.

Alia: I don't want to do anything.

Price: I know sweetheart, but you have to clean yourself and I have to bandage your hand. Come on I'll help you up if you don't want to walk.

Alia: fine.

Price came over to me and held out his hand for me. I took it slowly and got out of bed. He walked with me to the bathroom and got a first aid kit.

I was leaning against the bathroom counter while price bandaged my hand. I didn't have any thoughts in my mind just emptiness.

I saw Simon walk by. Price stared at me and I knew the look on his face. That's the look you give a kid who says something awefully sad or the look you give someone who just lost everything.

Price: Don't mind him Alia. He's just a little upset, but everything will be okay.

Alia: I'm fine

Price: I've known you since you were 18 Alia. I know when you're not fine. I just want you to know there are resources for you, and me and Soap are always here for you as well. Im also sure that Simon will make it up to you soon.

Alia: im fine price don't worry. I've killed people many times before one person doesn't affect me.

Price: it wasn't just any person Alia and you know that.

Alia: I know but Im fine. Believe me. Pain only makes us stronger right?

Price sighed and cleaned up all of the bandages from the counter. He patted my shoulder when he was done and walked out.

I closed the door and looked towards the bath. I turned the knob to hot and watched the tub slowly fill with water. When the tub was filled a little more than halfway I turned the water off.

I stepped back from the bath and stripped off my clothes. I lowered my body in the water and it burnt, but it's ok. I deserve it.

My skin was really red but I didn't care. I deserved to feel pain. I deserve every bad thing that has happened, and every bad thing that will happen to me.

I laid in the tub with little to none thoughts. The burning of my skin went numb I can no longer feel the constant stinging on my body.

Alia: I need to feel something.

I need to feel a sting or a burn or anything that will stop me from feeling empty. I looked around and saw Simon's Razor. He had a fancy metal one that had separated razor blades that you could switch out once the other ones went bad.

I reached to the counter that had a small tin box. I opened it and saw the various amount of blades. I picked one up and put the rest on the counter.

I looked at the blade in my hand and put it to my wrist. Just do it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel something. I just want to feel anything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The blade hit the floor with a metallic sound. I quickly drained the bath water and got out. I wrapped a towel around me and bent to pick the blade up. I put it back in the tin and walked out of the bathroom. I saw Simon's door open. He was sitting in an office chair at his desk and doing paperwork. I saw him look up as I walked by his room.

He had a weird look on his face. He looked sad and confused. I'm not sure what that was about but I don't really care. I just want to lay down.