Where's My Love? - Lo'ak

Chapter 9: Dye

It is the screams of their youngest son that gets Jake and Neytiri out of their tent.

Neteyam was there moments earlier, trying to convince them to let Esmyrie go with them.

Jake is shaking his head, his head in his hands. Neytiri is feeling her own grief, knowing she will soon have to leave her people. But Neytiri knows Jake better than anyone, and knows that this isn't just about them leaving. It's something more serious.

"Ma Jake. You have been like this for weeks. Talk to me, please." Neytiri begs, kneeling down to be infront of her husband, taking his hands in her own.

"I'm failing, Neytiri... I'm failing." Jake whispers out, his eyes holding such a hidden sadness.

"No Ma Jake. No you aren't."

"I'm ... I'm supposed to protect. That's my role as father and as the leader and yet... I keep messing it all up."

"Oh Jake." Neytiri sighs, bringing Jakes hand to her lips, kissing the extra finger.

"Our kids were put in danger because of me. They had a knife to their throat. And.... Nilar, I couldn't even protect him. You know, I still feel his blood on my hands sometimes. I'll be cleaning a gun or sharpening a spear and I just, I get this overwhelming sense of heat on my hands and I imagine the blood there. I can feel and see the blood still, even if it's not actually there. And I hear his voice.... of him pleading for me to end it. Or his whisper, making me promise him to watch out for his little girl. And you know, I had a brother, like an actually brother. A twin. His name is Tommy. His death is the reason I even got to Pandora in the first place.... I guess witnessing the death before your eyes though makes it all the more real... With Tommy, it was shocking news and I was able to just grieve and get back to work. With Nilar, seeing it happen.... Seeing your brother die before your eyes, and you be part of the killing, it just.... It's eating me alive." Jake admits, taking a big breath in and letting it all out.

Neytiri goes to say something, but she knows Jake is still thinking.

"I promised him I would keep her safe, and yet I'm failing. I banished her, Neytiri. I banished her as if I wasn't the first one to hold her when she was born. Nilar didn't hold her first, Illa'oke was dying and Nilar was there supporting his mate during her last breathes, so I was the one to hold her. I banished her as if I haven't been there everyday in her life since she was born. You didn't see the look in her eyes Neytiri... she looked at me like I was a ghost, like a dead man. She looked at me as if I am dead to her. She blames me for Nilar's death, I know she does. And now, now I banished her, am part of the reason she got captured by those avatars, and now we are just leaving her behind." Jake mumbles out, letting everything get off his chest.

Neytiri feels her heart clench at her mates words. She hates seeing her Jake this stressed out before. She hates seeing him suffer and she can do nothing about it.

"Ma Jake, our people are the reason she was banished. Not you. You banished her because you are the leader and its tradition for the leader to do it. That is the only reason you did it. And Nilar's death... You had no way of knowing. His death isn't on anyone. It just happened. Sometimes bad things just happen." Neytiri whispers, moving her hand to play with his hair, knowing it is something that has calmed Jake down for years.

"I just, I don't want to hurt her or our kids anymore. I don't want our kids in danger. You and them are my priority, my only priority now... I don't want them in danger, I don't want them anywhere near this war and if I can take them away from this war, that's what I am going to do."

"I know Ma Jake. You don't have to explain it to me."

"And I want her to-"

"Mom? Dad?" A voice speaks up, interrupting the couples conversation.